The instant you are notified of a homicidal death of a loved one, you are set off from the world as you’ve know it.
You feel isolated.
And because society often places some of the blame on the victim and attaches stigma to the death, you can also feel as though no one understands the depth of your grief.
You might have unrealistic expectations of the time it takes to heal.
I can tell you it is long lasting and intense!
And at some point you may frantically search for a target for your anger (and sometimes that target is yourself). You may even grapple with murderous impulses toward the person who killed your beloved.
Violent death brings anger so intense most people can’t stand it! Your rage can be so acute that you think you are losing your mind. Or you feel your brain is going to explode.
Frustration bubbles and boils as you are forced to wait for the apprehension of a suspect, and then a trial…
You find it hard to understand the criminal justice system.
And then there is the guilt. You cloister yourself in self-blame. And in the process you stop living.
“I should have recognized that my daughter’s/sister’s/mother’s boyfriend was dangerous. I should have talked to her about it.”
“I should have made sure my daughter/sister had taken self-defense lessons.”
“I should have taken better care of the car. S/he wouldn’t have been stranded on the highway…”
“I should not have allowed him/her to work in such a high-crime area.”
“I should have met him/her at the bus stop/airport/subway…”
“I should have gone to the house/apartment and investigated when s/he didn’t answer the phone.”
…
You don’t know what normal is anymore, but you try to figure it out—only to realize there’s a big gaping hole.
You are new at being a survivor.
Seek help…Seek out people who can serve as symbols of hope for you.
Support is the key to getting through this experience!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
This morning as I watched the sun rise I thought about the Desiderata poem shared at Cindy’s funeral. It seems fitting to share Max Ehrmann’s poem with all of you today…on what would have been Cindy’s 65th birthday.
Desiderata (Things To Be Desired)
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
~Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, c. 1920
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
June 11, 1989, my siblings and I go to the funeral home to see our sister’s body…Cindy’s body.
A few years ago I wrote a Blog post about that experience…about how important it was, especially for my sister Marlene and I, to see Cindy’s body to make the reality begin…about some of what happened in that viewing room with our sister’s body…
Here is an additional excerpt from my book…from that chapter of
I stand at her feet and feel toes under the sheet. They feel bony, unyielding.
“What have they done to you?” I think.
I go to her head and place my hands over the sheet above her forehead.
She has no hair. So it is true. Her hair has fallen off.
I feel where her eyes should be but there is nothing there; they must have dried up and receded.
I feel ill inside and wonder why I am doing this.
Am I morbid?
Am I sick?
Gently and slowly, I feel for her nose and there is nothing—no cartilage, just bone.
I groan to myself and cannot believe what I feel. What has happened to our beautiful Cindy?
Her face is just like a skull.
She has no lips.
My God, what does she look like? I shudder.
Oh, Cindy, where are you? How can you be gone? This is just a body here. I want you back. I love you, Cindy. I love you! Do you know that? How can life be so cruel? God, I hate this. I want to die too. I feel so alone. Can you hear me? Can you see me? Do you mind if I touch you?
I look at the body covered with this white sheet and I feel rage.
How could this happen to such a beautiful, kind person? I clench my hands.
How did you die? I plead.
Were you tormented? I shudder.
…
There is so much I need to say to you. I was robbed of growing old with you and creating more memories together. This is a rotten deal. Oh this hurts too much to bear.
I feel I will go insane.
I take a deep breath and lift up the sheet…
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
“Study as if you were to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow.”
~Isidore of Seville (ancient Christian philosopher)
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
“I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.”
~Abraham Maslow 1908-1970, Psychologist
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
When Cindy’s body was found on this day in 1989, I went into deep shock.
It was my friend Susan who told me that Cindy’s body had been found…when she saw the news on TV, exactly two weeks after Cindy’s disappearance:
At 7:30pm on June 8, 1989, my friend Susan phoned me when I got home from work.
Having watched the Vancouver news, she told me a woman’s body was found in Richmond that afternoon around 1pm but there was no identity because of the condition of the body.
When Susan called me I did not know what to think. Knowing my husband had to leave for work ten minutes later, I realized I did not want to be alone. After he left, I did not know what to do. I had been flash frozen. Either I phoned Susan to ask her to come over and be with me, or she phoned me back to say she was coming over. Next thing I remember is opening the door and she was striding into the apartment. I started to cry as I hugged her. The sobs became overwhelming. Not one to be so demonstrative with friends, I think she was a bit surprised with my display of emotion but I did not care. I needed somebody. I begged her for more news details but she had very little to give. After crying on and off for a while, I eventually felt a numbness crawling through my veins, paralyzing my being.
Knowing Cindy had suffered many assaults in the past, I wondered if she had been stabbed this time.
God, I hope she didn’t suffer.
My sister was dead! Really?
Yes. Really!
Her body was found near an abandoned building with an adjacent lot “thick with tall bramble bushes” and trees, about 1.5 kilometers from the bank where police found her car after she was reported missing. Later I would learn she had deposited her paycheck at 7:58pm on the 25th of May—approximately four-and-a-half hours after picking it up from work—and the last time her whereabouts were known before her body was found. What she had done during those hours would be as mysterious as what had happened to her after depositing the money.
Yes, I lost my sister, Cindy James, suddenly, violently and mysteriously.
And today, twenty years later, I have many answers to her harassment and her mysterious death…answers never brought forth at the inquest…answers as to what she did on the afternoon of that fateful day she disappeared in May.
Yes, in my book I share my answer to the burning question: “Was she murdered, or did she commit suicide?”
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Twenty years ago, during those two weeks starting May 25th when my sister Cindy James was missing, I continued with the motions of working and was constantly thinking about whether she would be found alive, or if she would even be found—ever.
I told my boss about Cindy’s disappearance and asked him not to say anything to my coworkers because I didn’t want them to treat me differently. I believed this helped me to carry on. I did not want people to feel sorry for me. I did not need pity. I also did not believe people could understand what I was going through.
I felt numb and it seemed I was floating on air in a dream, more like a nightmare, and I desperately wanted the nightmare to end.
I was in limbo.
And it was excruciating.
I remembered very little of that time of waiting.
I did not talk very much about Cindy except to my husband and to my friend, Susan. I intuitively knew it would be important to have support available to help me understand what I was going through and deal with the emotions of Cindy’s disappearance and the possibility of her death. Anxiety and foreboding led me to get in touch with the Yukon’s Hospice Society which was being formed, and I briefly spoke with the director, Barb, who was incredibly compassionate. Before hearing my situation and after looking in my eyes, she gave me a big, genuine, hug. I liked her immediately. Since Hospice was not yet operational, she directed me to a counseling service where I met a different Sue who would become my weekly counselor two months later. I learned how important it was to not make any changes in my life that were not necessary; not be rash.
When Cindy’s body was found and I went into deep shock, Sue was immediately available to me and told me to get in touch with her for counseling when I returned from the lower mainland. And my friend Susan would be the one to tell me that Cindy’s body had been found, when she saw the news on TV, exactly two weeks after Cindy’s disappearance…(tomorrow’s Blog post)
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well.”
~ Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
To realize the value of a sister/brother:
Ask someone who doesn’t have one.
To realize the value of ten years:
Ask a newly divorced couple.
To realize the value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize the value of one year:
Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
To realize the value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of one minute:
Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize the value of one-second:
Ask a person who has survived an accident.
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend or family member:
LOSE ONE.
The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. Thanks for passing this on to me Ken.
Remember…Hold on tight to the ones you love!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Twenty years ago, as the days passed with no sign of my sister Cindy James’s whereabouts after she disappeared, I realized the passage of time meant her chances of being alive were diminishing. I kept hoping she was alive but I also thought if somebody had her, she was probably being tortured somehow. As much as I hoped and prayed Cindy was alive, I had a gnawing, gut feeling that this time she was dead. Thinking of her experiencing physical or mental pain or lying dead somewhere produced in me an inability to eat without feeling sick or repulsed by food. For two weeks I hardly ate because of those worries, forgetting to eat supper several times when I was alone.
During the first week, I told a co-worker that Cindy was missing and we sat on a bench and stared out at the Yukon River while I talked. I kept shivering constantly and my teeth chattered but it was not from being cold. I could not seem to stop shaking. An icy death grip would not let go of my heart. My coworker said something meant to be comforting, but I soon forgot it. It did not make me feel any better because the feeling of dread just would not go away. I was totally at the mercy of forces outside myself. My soul was drowning in the swift Yukon River current and I was powerless to help myself.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James