One day, six-year-old Jennifer took out her scissors and made paper dolls.

She made little girl dolls and boy dolls and grown-up dolls too.

When she started taking the dolls and putting them under pieces of paper, her parents began to worry…all the while, Jennifer talked about the dolls dying and being buried.

She was playing “funeral”.

Once her parents made the connection to Jennifer’s aunt, who had died two months earlier, they relaxed. They understood that Jennifer was attempting to adjust to the loss.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Look for “teachable moments”—everyday moments that are opportunities to talk about what your child is thinking and feeling. Teachable moments could be an animal dying or the illness of a character in a book or a movie or …

Ask open-ended questions that give your child the chance to answer in his or her own way. For example:

“How did you feel when Grandma died?” rather than a “yes–no” question, like: “Were you sad when Grandma died?”

Look for hidden meanings in your child’s questions or comments. For example, if your child asks, “What do you think happened to Grandma after she died?” your child may also be asking what will happen to him or her.

Younger children may find it easier to communicate through play or art. Your child may find it easier to talk about the feelings of his or her sick teddy bear or a child in a picture.

Look for signals from your child that he or she is ready to talk, such as asking you questions or bringing up the subject of death, even if it is the death of an animal or an imaginary person.

And look for signals that your child is done talking for the moment, such as changing the subject, looking away, fidgeting, or playing with toys rather than listening to you. It is important to respect your child’s need to drop the conversation.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

By using nature, you can give children a healthy opportunity to understand death—by exploring life cycles and the changes that happen in living things, children will be better prepared when a family member or friend dies.

Use the following natural phenomenon and opportunities: a dried fallen leaf, a wilted flower, and the death of an insect, bird, or class pet to discuss death as a part of the life cycle.

Explain that death comes to all living things. It is inevitable and irreversible. It is the biological way of life.

Children love to care for and nurture living things. And they especially love to devote themselves to nurturing something that they have planted—to watch it grow.

Start them out with planting seeds indoors…something that sprouts quickly and grows fast, like a bean, sunflower or snapdragon. Then set the seedlings outside on a sheltered patio or under the light shade of a tree for a few days before you transplant them into the ground.

Your child will be fascinated with the changes they see as the plant grows, matures and dies…and you’ll be able to talk them through the life and death cycle.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

This is the time of year, for many of us, when our thoughts turn to planting and gardening. Having recently purchased a home and moved, I find myself immersed in planting and gardening (among all those chores and tasks of cleaning, unpacking, rearranging…) –yes, creating and strategically placing flower baskets, cleaning flowerbeds and a raspberry patch, transplanting strawberries, and even planting a pear tree!

But whether I’m delighting in the soft, fine soil that works under my hands while I’m creating my baskets and garden or while I’m lost in the writing process, I feel Cindy’s warmth and love around me—right off my back deck, which also happens to be the view from my office window facing the greenbelt at the back of the house, is a gorgeous dogwood tree that’s beginning to bloom…a species of tree Cindy adored.

Many years ago, well before her harassment, Cindy and Roy gave me a leather broach fashioned as a dogwood flower. And although I cherished that broach, I never thought much about dogwood trees…until I discovered my current property boasts a beautiful tree even the neighbors envy. So for me that dogwood tree symbolizes love and beauty and goodness, and epitomizes my beloved sister, Cindy.

Trees or shrubs are beautiful symbols that allow you to keep healthy connections to your deceased beloved. And this happens to be the perfect time of year to plant something in honor of your beloved! So think about which of nature’s children you’d like to have nearby to wrap you in love and memories of your beloved.

Now you’ll have to excuse me…I’m off to transplant ever-bearing strawberries that the neighbor doesn’t want anymore and graciously donated to me—a fruit Cindy also adored and grew with great success in her own garden.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

We can be so absorbed in the past and the future that we don’t notice today is slipping by.

Are you just going through your day to get through it…or are you getting something from your day?

When was the last time you watched a sunset, or a sunrise? —Take time to enjoy the beauty of the evening…AND the morning!

And have you taken the time to listen to the silence?

Take a deep breath…and enjoy this moment.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
But they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
And laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don’t take ‘no’ for an answer
When they believe there is a better solution.
They love unconditionally.
They are happy when they hear about
A birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
Yet they are strong when they
Think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
Can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They’ll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
To show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
Makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
Family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
And everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Thanks for forwarding this to me Shilpa (Agarwal; freelance writer, India).

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”

18 My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Jennifer was an only child. And she had talked with her mother, Royce, about organ donation. Jennifer believed in it. But of course, being a teenager, Jen never thought about the day when she would die so she could be a donor.

It was May. It was Mother’s Day. And it was an accident that affected Royce in a deep and sad way.

On Mother’s Day last year Jennifer was a passenger in a car that smashed into the back of a school bus. She died four days later never having met Michael…the young man who she would give sight to.

But “Jennifer would have liked Michael,” Joyce says today with a smile.

Michael had undergone routine eye surgery…but woke up in excruciating pain, unable to see. And for seven weeks, with mounting apprehension, he lived with a growing realization that he may never see again.

Ever!

But fate intervened.

Jennifer’s Mom made sure the doctor’s knew of her daughter’s organ donation wish. She made sure Jen’s wishes were respected.

One of the donated organs was Jennifer’s left cornea. And Michael received it—an anonymous gift. “It is the greatest gift I could ever receive,” he whispers.

He called Royce this year, today…on Mother’s Day—the first anniversary of her daughter’s death. Royce’s day had started out in a bad way. But never having met Michael before, Joyce’s mood changed to one of elation.

“Your daughter will be able to look at the world and see great things,” promised Michael.

Royce had expected nothing in return. She had only followed through with her daughter’s wishes. But now she found that her daughter’s kind, charitable gift had brought a new beginning.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

After 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.”

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. “What’s wrong, are you well,” she asked?

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.”

She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.” That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel’s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,” she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear about our meeting.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favour,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation—nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.

As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed. “How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her.

Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.”

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till “some other time.”

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Here is the answer to the last question in my series of six questions about grief and bereavement.

It is common for you, the grieving person, to:

Think that you should have died instead of the loved one.

Be angry—towards others, especially family members and/or god…and angry towards the person who died or towards yourself (especially if you dwell on any arguments you had with the deceased).

Be critical of yourself for doing something to, or not doing something for, the person who died.

Be preoccupied with thoughts of the deceased.

Have a sense as if you are going crazy (because you experience things that are normally not a part of your life—perhaps distractibility, hallucinations, preoccupations…).

Alter your coping style (by using alcohol or drugs or abuse…or more of them).

Have dreams and vivid memory flashes of the deceased.

Reexamine your philosophical beliefs and your life values (you feel you have lost direction in your life so you search for meaning in the loss in order to make sense of it and regain control of your life).

Search for meaning in the death (all those “Why?” questions; sometimes helps you believe the death was not in vain—when the death seemed “senseless and unnecessary”).

Think about your own mortality.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James