The fifth question in my series of six questions asks you what some of the behaviors associated with grief are.

The following behaviors are common after a loss and usually correct themselves over time (and not all will be experienced by one person):

Crying spells

Sighing

Avoiding reminders of the deceased (places or things that trigger painful feelings; be aware that quickly getting rid of reminders of the deceased can stem from a conflicted relationship with the deceased and can lead to complicated grief)

Visiting places or carrying objects that remind you of the deceased (this comes from a fear of losing memories of your beloved, and can give reassurance and comfort)

Insomnia/difficulty going to sleep/ early morning awakening (sleep disorders can symbolize fears—fear of dreaming, fear of not awakening, fear of being alone in bed…)

Restlessness/overactivity (because you can’t stand to be alone)

Loss of energy

Social withdrawal (including losing interest in watching TV and reading newspapers)

Absentmindedness

A depressed mood

Appetite disturbances (overeating, but more commonly described is undereating)

A yearning for the deceased

Developing traits of the deceased in your own behavior

Treasuring objects that belonged to your beloved

Searching and calling out (can lead to you misidentifying others…you get glimpses of people who remind you of your beloved and for a brief time you think/wish/hope that person is your beloved) 

Dreaming of the deceased (normal dreams, distressing dreams and nightmares; can be utilized to give you, the dreamer, insight and permission to shed guilt, anxiety and other distressing emotions)

…

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

The title of this Blog post is the fourth question in my series of six questions.

The answer:

Shortness of breath

Lethargy

Loss of memory

Trouble with concentration

Change in appetite (increase or decrease)

Disruption of sleep

Shaking/tremors

Tendency to sigh

Abdominal discomfort

Tightness in throat and/or chest

Fatigue

High blood pressure

Muscle tension

Aching

Headaches

Sexual problems

…

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Here is the answer to the third question in my series of six questions:

Because each of us has a unique personality and a unique set of personal experiences to draw from, we all deal with grief differently. So there is no “right way” or “wrong way” to cope!

We need to respect the different grieving styles among us.

And just because your culture may be different than mine, it doesn’t mean one of us is “wrong” in how we grieve.

Here in North America it is culturally acceptable to talk about what we are going through, to express our emotions (although that is not always easy for some people) and to seek out external support. In fact, it is believed that the amount of support you receive is proportionate to the impact of grief.

You need to know you will survive your experience.

You may intuitively know what you need, in order to help yourself, but if you feel judged (by others who are unfamiliar with grief, or who are going through a different phase than you, and think something you are feeling…like anger, rage, guilt, remorse…or something you are doing…like “taking too long”…is unacceptable) you can become inhibited. 

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

The title of this Blog post is the second question in my series of six questions.

The answer:

You can know what healthy grief is by knowing what it is not!

Healthy grief is not prolonged, chronic, nor inhibited, and does not include: severe guilt, persistent thoughts of suicide nor a preoccupation with dying, a sense of worthlessness, prolonged insomnia, excessive anxiety…

And in healthy grief you can go through a period of believing you can see or hear your beloved…it doesn’t mean you are losing it! It’s only time to be concerned when the period of hallucinations is prolonged.

Healthy grief is a process that involves the physical, social, spiritual and psychological aspects of a person’s life.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

In my last Blog post I asked six questions about grief.

The first question was, “What exactly is bereavement?”

Bereavement is a reaction to loss and can include feelings of numbness, shock, denial, disbelief, anguish, waves of distress, sadness, loneliness, emptiness, anxiety, agitation, weakness, guilt, depression, anger and more…experienced by those having close emotional bonds with others. It can cause physical reactions and include social and spiritual adjustments that sometimes take years.

Grief is the process of grieving a loss, whether because of a death or other event. Grief work involves separating from the deceased, adjusting to a world without them and forming new relationships. You can grieve for your beloved…and grieve for the unfulfilled dreams and plans for the future that you had hoped to share with someone.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

For several years I’ve been writing about grief and bereavement and sharing observations, stories, poems…and more!

And I know a lot of you read my posts on a regular basis.

So below are some questions about grief. Test yourself and see if you know the answers. (Over the next several Blog posts I’ll share the answers.)

1)     What exactly is bereavement?

2)     What is meant by healthy grief?

3)     Is there a “right way” and a “wrong way” to cope with grief?

4)     Can you name ten physical reactions associated with grief and bereavement?

5)     What are some behaviors associated with grief?

6)     What are some characteristics associated with grief?

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything good in the world.    
~Helen Keller

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Around The Corner

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friends face,
For life is swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.

And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men,
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.

“Tomorrow,” I say! “I will call on Jim,
Just to show that I’m thinking of him.”
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.

Around the corner, yet miles away,
“Here’s a telegram sir,” “Jim died today.”
And that’s what we get and deserve in the end
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

~by Charles Hanson Towne (1877-1949)
written in 1900

Thanks for bringing this poem to my attention, Marlene.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

A 2005 Gallup poll indicates that 32% of adults believe that “ghosts/spirits of dead people can come back,” 48% do not believe, and 19% are undecided.

When asked if houses can be haunted, 37% said yes, 46% said no, and 16% are unsure. Interestingly, those who identify themselves as politically liberal are more likely (42%) to believe in ghosts than are conservatives (25%) and moderates (35%).

Here’s what one person shared with me:

“I don’t know, I’ve always been on the fence about that sort of stuff. I’ve seen nothing that proves it, but nothing that disproves it either.”

What do you believe?

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Here’s one response to my Blog post of last Saturday that asked, “What blessings have you found among the sadness during your grief journey this past year?”

I have found that I am sustained by my memories of my daughter – her laughter, her funny faces, the way she sat, the way she clasped her hands, her kisses, her hugs. I have found new meaning in my memories of her for now they are all I have and I treasure every one of them. I have found I can laugh again and that I can enjoy life again even though my heart is no longer whole.  Perhaps the heart grows around the emptiness to allow for more happiness. I am comforted by words and I truly believe that she lives within me. I have learned that my family and friends are so, so important to me and that my daughter is in them as well.  I have learned that I am not alone in my grief. 

How about you…what have you found?

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James