Cora was so thankful that Hospice had prepared her for what she could expect in her husband’s dying…
So she wasn’t alarmed when she noticed that during the transition (active) phase of his dying, Parker had lost control of his bladder and bowels as the muscles in that area began to relax. The nurse had quietly taken care of his needs.
And when she’d heard gurgling sounds coming from his chest as though marbles were rolling around inside, Cora knew not to be alarmed if these sounds became very loud—she had been forewarned that this was a normal change resulting from his inability to cough up normal secretions and it was combined with a decrease of fluid intake. She had simply turned Parker’s head to the side to let gravity drain the secretions. And she had also gently wiped his mouth with a moist cloth.
Now she knew the end must be approaching…he’d had a decrease in appetite and thirst, wanting little or no food or fluid. Cora also knew this disinterest was normal…she had realized that nourishing the body took energy, and Parker’s body had naturally begun to conserve energy days ago. So she had not forced any food or drink into him, nor had she tried to use guilt to manipulate him into eating or drinking something. To do this would only have made Parker much more uncomfortable, and Cora had wanted him to be as comfortable as possible.
Instead, she had offered him small chips of ice, frozen Gatorade and sometimes juice to refresh his mouth…when he appeared able and interested in taking them. When he had been able to swallow, the Hospice nurse had shown Cora how to give Parker a small amount of fluid given by syringe.
But now it seemed all she could do was to use glycerin swabs to help keep his mouth and lips moist and comfortable.
And she imparted physical comfort with a cool, moist washcloth on his forehead.
Cora had watched and waited and listened and comforted Parker as his regular breathing pattern changed with the onset of a different breathing pace. The nurse had told her about a particular breathing pattern called Cheyne-Stokes breathing—it consisted of breathing irregularly…shallow breaths with periods of no breathing of five to thirty seconds and up to a full minute. Parker was now doing this. He had also experienced periods of rapid shallow pant-like breathing. Cora had been told these patterns were very common and indicated a decrease in Parker’s circulation in the internal organs.
With tenderness and love Cora elevated Parker’s head. Then, with tears in her eyes, she decided to turn him onto his side to bring him comfort…and she crawled onto the bed to cradle him. As she held Parker and caressed his cool hand, she spoke ever so gently to him. All the while, soothing music…Parker’s favorite…wafted around them.
He seemed unresponsive, withdrawn…in a comatose-like state.
She knew this indicated preparation for release.
He was detaching from his surroundings…from their relationship, from all that ever was…he was letting go.
Knowing his hearing would remain all the way to the end, she continued to speak to Parker in her normal tone of voice, continued to cradle him…and said all the things she needed to say to help him let go.
Dropping by a few minutes later, the Hospice nurse quietly closed the door to give Cora and Parker privacy and tranquility.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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Before I continue to share more changes you can expect in a dying loved one, let me just say that when moments are quickly disappearing, a gift the dying make to the living is, “Enjoy the moment.”
Yes, never is it more apparent to us that we must enjoy the time we have (the time we ourselves have left to live AND the brief time remaining with a loved one), then when we are spending the last moments with the dying.
It is a time we show our love in simple ways (with the tenderness of touch) instead of simply feeling it—we must show it.
The distractions of life are stripped away and we truly see (sometimes for the first time) how we are meant to live life—to the heights and depths of our beings!
When you sit with a dying person you truly understand how life is a wondrous glorious gift. Death is the shadow that illuminates the light of this gift, giving it intensity and meaning.
All that you may have avoided facing and dealing with in your life can come bubbling up during this journey of bereavement. Knowing that you will die one day, that your loved ones will also die, makes you aware of unresolved pain and estrangement and gives you the gift of reconciliation.
It’s never too late to say, “I am sorry.”
It’s never too late to say, “I love you.”
It’s never too late to say, “I forgive you.”
And sometimes it isn’t too late to ask that question that is tormenting you.
So take the time to learn the lessons of death.
Reach out in love to yourself and to those around you.
Live the life you were born to live…while there is still time!
Love to very core of your being and pour it out to the world in all that you do and say and think.
Hug harder.
Laugh often, and speak words of love more often too.
A passionate life of wonderful fulfillment is the gift of death…if you would only embrace it!
Yes, when you sit with the dying you learn what it is to be more generous, to be kinder, sweeter, and more loving towards people—to focus on living and caring and being connected and choosing happiness.
So take those last moments as an opportunity for final visits…for a legacy to be fulfilled…a time for the gift of storytelling among family…while there is still time.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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In my last Blog post I talked about how the body cools as it nears death.
Here are more changes you can expect as your beloved prepares for the final stage of life:
Due in part to changes in metabolism, your loved one may seem to be confused about the time, place, and identity of people surrounding him/her…including close and familiar people. I have experienced situations where the dying mistakenly thought I was a family member…a daughter, or even a wife…as I sat with them until a family member arrived.
And when you do arrive at your beloved’s bedside, don’t ask the person to guess who you are…identify yourself by name before you speak.
And speak softly, clearly, and truthfully.
I found it creates comfort when you explain your communications, for instance if a nurse arrives to administer medication, explain to your beloved that “so and so is here now so you won’t begin to hurt.”
Also due in part to the decrease in oxygen circulation to the brain and to changes in metabolism, your beloved may often make restless and repetitive motions such as pulling at bed linen or clothing. Don’t interfere or try to restrain such motions.
To have a calming effect, speak in a quiet, natural way and lightly massage his/her forehead, or read to your beloved, or play some soothing music.
Enjoy this time of peace, of love. Help them to feel safe.
In part 3, I’ll talk about changes in breathing and appetite.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Family members, who spend the last moments with a dying loved one and want to feel less stressed so they can focus on “being there”, sometimes want to know how the body prepares itself for the final stage of life. Over several Blog posts I’ll share many of the changes you can expect:
Due in part to changes in the metabolism of the body, your beloved may spend an increasing amount of time sleeping and appear to be uncommunicative or unresponsive, and at times be difficult to arouse. This change is normal. Plan to spend time with your loved one during those times when s/he seems most alert or awake.
Sit with your loved one and hold his/her hand. Speak softly and naturally…this is a time of gentleness so do not shake them or speak loudly.
And do not talk about the person in the person’s presence—speak to him/her directly as you normally would, even though there may be no response. (Never assume the person cannot hear; hearing is the last of the senses to be lost!)
As you hold your loved one’s hand or lovingly caress their arm, one of the things you’ll notice is an increasing coolness under your touch. This is because the circulation of blood to their extremities is decreasing and being reserved for the most vital organs. You may also notice a change in the color of their skin, and depending on the extent of care you are giving (as you massage their limbs for instance), you’ll also notice their legs and feet getting increasingly cooler as well. Keep the person warm with a blanket (but do not use one that is electric) and continue to speak softly, or simply be there in the silence.
Read The Final Stage of Life (Part 2)
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
“Those who have the strength and the love to sit with a dying patient in the silence that goes beyond words will know that this moment is neither frightening nor painful, but a peaceful cessation of the functioning of the body.”
~ Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
On December 26, 1996, 6-year-old JonBenet Ramsey was found dead in the basement of her family’s home in Boulder, Colorado (USA). It makes me shudder to know it was her father, John, who found her strangled and beaten body (no father should ever have to experience that)…and then to have to live for the next 12 years under a cloud of suspicion! Sadly, his wife Patsy, (who died of ovarian cancer in June 2006), along with their older son, Burke, had also been under suspicion…until recently that is.
Patsy never got to see the formal letter of apology that Boulder County District Attorney Mary Lacy sent to John, saying, “No one in the Ramsey family is considered a suspect anymore! To the extent that we may have contributed in any way to the public perception that you might have been involved in this crime, I am deeply sorry.”
New ‘touch DNA’ technology has cleared all members of JonBenet Ramsey’s family of her brutal homicide. Instead, an ‘unknown male’, is now believed to be the killer. Unexplained third-party DNA, recently scraped from JonBenet’s long johns (clothing the authorities now believe were pulled up over the girl’s underwear…either replaced or removed by her killer) is the evidence—it matches DNA material previously found in JonBenet’s panties and under her nails.
Imagine living for years and years under a cloud of suspicion (although never being officially named as a suspect)…and trying to grieve for your beloved at the same time! …All along you knew you were innocent, but everyone who knew about the case looked at you sideways. And all you wanted to do was grieve in privacy for your loved one…and hope the real killer would be caught…that the police hadn’t stopped looking.
I just can’t imagine the hell that poor family had to endure!—Plus the frustration, anger and confusion! And how about the innocent people who still draw suspicion in Cindy’s case because her death remains a mystery!
Now, I have to wonder…what DNA evidence is left in Cindy’s police file (on the cigarette butts, on the licked envelopes, the hair found on her hand after an attack…)! Or has it all been destroyed? …After all, at the inquest police stated they believed Cindy had tied her own hands and feet behind her back and committed suicide (although there was no evidence to prove that). Indeed, in 2005 I learned Cindy’s police file had been placed under Closed Section as ‘suicide’.
But wouldn’t you like to find out the truth?
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
“Today I have to talk about the tragic accident that happened outside of Fruitvale Tuesday afternoon. Of course our thoughts, hearts and prayers are with everyone who has been affected by this accident. I knew it was bad by the sound of all the emergency vehicles heading out to the scene. I just have not been able to shake the thoughts about what happened to the people in this crash. Then today on the news, Erin mentioned that 2 cars drove through the accident scene without stopping. I am flabbergasted that this would happen here. You see that stuff happen in news programs for a major city…but here??? When you see a vehicle flipped over in a ditch and another car smashed up how can you possibly drive by? Seriously, what could be more important than helping? There is nothing that makes this OK. There is no excuse. So to whoever it was that drove through the accident to continue on with your day, shame on you. I don’t know what has happened in your life that you could be so cold as to not help. But don’t worry too much…because God forbid something ever happens to you, I want to say, that we will be there to help you.”
~Wayne’s Blog
The Wayne and Jayne Show
kbsradio
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Don’t grieve for me, for now I am free.
I’m following paths God made for me
I took his hand, I heard him call…
Then turned, and bid farewell to all.
I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to sing, to play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found my peace…at close of day.
And if my parting left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah yes, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened…deep with sorrow,
I wish you sunshine of tomorrow.
My life’s been full…I’ve savored much.
Good friends, good times…a loved ones touch
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief.
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wants me now…He set me free!
~Author unknown
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
“My grandfather has been dying of terminal cancer for the past 5 years.
Last week my mother said I needed to come down because Gido didn’t have much time, so I drove down with my girlfriend and visited with him for 2 full days.
He seemed most alert in the mornings so I wanted to go in early on the third day to visit with him along with my girlfriend. When I got to the hospital my great aunt was there standing by his bedside. We both looked at each other with tears knowing he didn’t have much time.
It was about 10:30am as I sat down next to Gido and started holding his hands for the next 45 minutes. My mother showed up around 11am and came in the room to see him. Overcome with emotion she started to cry.
There we were…Mom, my great aunt, my girlfriend and myself…holding my grandfather’s hands…trying to comfort him in this time.
At 11:25am both my mother and my great aunt stepped out to the waiting room, leaving only my girlfriend and myself holding hands with grandpa.
Then I felt something.
I looked over at Gido as he stared into the sky with his bright eyes wide open. With a final prayer, he touched his forehead with his hand.
I knew IT was happening.
I held both his hands and could feel a tingling sensation in my arms that rushed through my heart and up through my head. It felt like his soul passed through me and moved in an upward motion to the sky. As I looked at him looking up to the sky, his eyes panned over to me and we had one last glimpse until his eyes went closed.
I sat back crying along with my girlfriend who was sitting next to me.
I had to get up and out of the room because I was in shock and didn’t understand what had just happened. When I came out of the room with my girlfriend, the first thing I said to her was, ‘I felt his soul pass through me.’
It was a sensation I’ve never felt before.
For a brief moment it was as if I died with him and could feel what he was feeling. I’m still wondering what happened since this happened a few days ago. I feel traumatized but people are saying it was a blessing and an honor for me to be there in that moment for him.
Has anyone else had an experience like this? I’m just trying to figure out what this feeling was.”
~Dan
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do, are in harmony.
~Mahatma Gandhi,
1869-1948, Indian Political and Spiritual Leader
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James