Poetry is a wonderful way to express your feelings on Valentine’s Day (or any time).

I came across a beautiful Valentine’s poem dedicated to a deceased child (and sent by a little white dove—on the wings of love) from a parent. It’s called Valentines…to Heaven. (If you click on the link, have your music on as you read the poem—very powerful!) Maybe you’ve seen it?

Or, perhaps you’ve seen the following poems:

Inkstone cold
joy and grief
one brush
-Mitsui Suzuki-

Love and grief are woven fine,
a clothing for the soul devine.
-William Blake-

Death
Your hand feels too cold
To be cradled within mine.
And, to believe, hurts.
-Amy Elizabeth Miller-

Try writing a poem to your beloved. (Don’t worry if it’s “good” or “bad”.)

Just express your thoughts and memories and experiences through images (use haiku fashion if you like, or, if you’re like me, maybe you find it easier to create poems in a more traditional form).

Go to a place where you feel your beloved…and let your feelings flow.

Regurgitate your thoughts onto the paper before you, or simply talk into a tape recorder—you can transcribe it later.

Just relax and keep it simple.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

When we are grieving, Valentine’s Day can be a reminder that our loved one is absent. If this is your first holiday since your loved one passed away, acknowledge in advance how difficult it is going to be. (Even if your partner or beloved died a long time ago, Valentine’s Day can still be difficult!)

Don’t be shy about asking for help—Plan with your friends and family the activities you’d like to do…and those that may be too difficult.

Remember, this feeling is not going to last forever.

This is a hard day. Tomorrow will be different!

Slow down. Try relaxing.

It helps if you can find a way to honor the memory of your loved one—if you can immerse yourself in the healing power of remembrance. To ease your grief you could:

• Go to a special place. (I used to go to a secret spot where the rushing waters of the Yukon River bubbled and swirled. Lost in the sounds and mesmerized by the sight, a peace would envelop me and I’d feel close to Cindy even though she’d had a phobic fear of water!)
• Put together a scrapbook or box of memories containing mementoes, old letters, poems, paintings and photographs of your loved one.
• Give yourself permission to cry.
• Listen to a favorite song or piece of music.
• Write a letter to the person who died. (I can’t stress enough how wonderful this ritual is! Time and again it helps immensely when you are feeling “lost” or “stuck” or emotional…)
• Read something inspirational…something comforting (perhaps spiritual or religious writings if you draw comfort from them). And read it aloud.
• Select a Valentine card that you wish your loved one had picked for you, and mail it to yourself.
• Send a card to someone whom you care about.
• Call a friend or relative—Let those close to you know that you love them even if it has been hard to show it recently.
• Buy your loved one’s favorite flower.
• Create a buddy system and agree to exchange flowers or candy with a friend…just for the fun of it.
• Light a candle as a symbol of hope and remembrance. (Last week I lit a virtual candle at Beyond Indigo. –Cindy James…my sister…lit by Melanie with love.)
• If you feel up to it, go out for lunch or dinner.
• Donate to a charity.
• Reach out to someone who might need your attention.

Perhaps you can think of other ideas…

And remember…give yourself permission to feel good: If you have a moment of laughter, don’t feel guilty.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

When my oldest sister, Cindy James, died, it was beyond my comprehension as to how I could possibly imagine living my life with her not in it. How was I supposed to get through any of the holidays or special days when they all brought back reminders of her absence? Yes, even Valentine’s Day…I would have at least sent her a card wishing her a great day—but she would never see one again!

Years later, I took comfort in the words, “Death ends a life, not a relationship,” as stated in Mitch Albom’s book, Tuesdays with Morrie. –I embraced the realization that the happiness I had experienced with Cindy belonged to me forever. She had given me a gift—as a sister who was 17 years older than me, Cindy had accepted me (even my imperfect qualities). She had shown me unconditional love and in return I had embraced life.

But long before reaching resolution with her death, when holidays and special days approached I had taken some time to identify my feelings of grief and openly accept them…not fight them.

I had made a list of the different feelings I was aware of. Even the “negative” ones! With a lot of effort I began to notice what problems the negative feelings stemmed from. (For instance, I wanted to avoid having fun or feeling happy because I felt guilty that I was able to—or at least had a chance to—experience pleasurable activities…and Cindy couldn’t and never would). And I tried to think of possible solutions to help release some of the worries and negative emotions that were present.

One of the things I did was to pick out a Valentine’s card and mail it to myself and pretend it was from Cindy and she was giving me permission to enjoy myself…at least for a little while.

If you decide to do so, you can choose to embrace Valentine’s Day as a special day on which to commemorate your loved one—to celebrate your love for them…and theirs for you.

In my next Blog I’ll list some wonderful ideas on how you can embrace Valentine’s Day while still honoring your grief.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Let me come in where you are weeping, friend,
And let me take your hand.
I, who have known a sorrow such as yours, can understand.
Let me come in–I would be very still beside you in your grief;
I would not bid you cease your weeping, friend,
Tears bring relief.
Let me come in–and hold your hand,
For I have known a sorrow such as yours, And understand.

-Grace Noll Crowell-

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

If you haven’t cried as an expression of your grief and you have a lot of pent up emotions, try it…see how it feels. Chances are you’ll feel better.

It doesn’t mean you are weak if you cry.

Crying isn’t just for babies.

You won’t get hysterical. Your body will know when to stop:

Right after Cindy’s funeral service, I stood by her closed coffin. Atop was a photo of Cindy—the picture that’s now on the cover of my book, “Who Killed My Sister, My Friend?” It was torture to have to say goodbye. As wave after wave of intense sorrow washed over me, I was almost brought to my knees. Both my parents held me in a hug and let me sob until at last I looked at them and said, “I’m OK now.”

When the pain of death seems too much to bear and you’re afraid to give in to it, allow yourself to go into “the ditch” and flounder around in the mud. You will be able to climb out. I did—many times! And it got easier each time!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

When I was grieving the death of my sister Cindy I rarely allowed myself to cry during the day when I was in public or had to meet someone. If I was in front of other people, I held back (I felt vulnerable, uncomfortable, exposed). And if I held back for an extended period of time I would feel very depressed and anxious.

I found it very difficult to cry in front of people (except close family members) so I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry, for instance at work, or apologize and walk away when I knew I just couldn’t hold back the tears. When I was successful with holding back, I would cry at home or in the car on my way home.

Some people got this funny look of sympathy, which I hated to see, and it made me hold back even more. Sometimes when I was on the verge of crying (and I ended up dashing away), someone would just stare and not know what to say. And I didn’t like it when people told me it was OK to cry, and then watched me to see if I would. That seemed so cold.

I secretly wanted people to just touch my arm or give me a hug if we were in private. And I wished people would say, “I want you to know I’m available if you want to talk with me about what’s bothering you.” –If that was the truth!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

After my sister, Cindy James (Cynthia Hack), died, I cried a lot of emotional tears, and at unexpected times:

• When I wrote to a family member or a friend and “talked” about Cindy or how I’d changed as a result of her death or what I’d learned.
• When I did something that I knew Cindy would have enjoyed or when I did something she had wanted to do but didn’t get to do.
• When I thought about the Nairobi trip and made plans, I cried because Cindy couldn’t go and she was supposed to go with my siblings and I.
• When I received a letter from a close family member who mentioned Cindy.
• Sometimes when I was thoroughly enjoying myself (listening to favorite music).
• When it got really cold outside (I was living in Canada’s far north) and the tires lost their normal shape, I laughed and ended up crying because I recalled writing to Cindy and telling her about the adventures with the cold and she laughed. I thought about how she never got the chance to come to Whitehorse and experience these things for herself.
• Sometimes when I looked at her picture or read one of her books that I inherited.
• When I read the final scholarship papers for the memorial bursary that my family set up in Cindy’s memory.
• When the inquest dates changed.
• When I drove home from work and it was dark and I was listening to Zamfir (music Cindy loved).
• Sometimes when I saw an ad on TV about sisters.
• When I wore a piece of Cindy’s clothing for the first time, I cried when I put it on….

Crying definitely helped me cope with the pain and loss. I knew it was a natural process—that if I held back the tears I would be denying how I felt; that I would be cheating myself—my feelings would go underground and I’d have to deal with them later anyway.

So I “went with it” and allowed the feelings to move through my body…if I was in private. In my next Blog I’ll share with you how I dealt with my need to cry if I was in public.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

When you feel you are ready—when the ache and rage and numbness no longer makes it seem like a senseless intrusion—I want you to read this:

You have been missed by death, but someone you love has been hit. You have embarked upon one of the toughest things we must do in life.

Go on.

Go on when it no longer seems to make sense. Go on when it hurts too much to try or care. Go on when you feel guilty and somehow wrong to still be alive. Go on—damn it!—when you are so full of rage at the injustice of death that you want to strike out but you don’t know who to hurt. You must go on when others still caught up in the everyday trivialities of life seem an indignity to the sorrow you are feeling.

Death undoes us all and often in different ways. It can make harsh enemies of friends because they grieve in different styles or because they encounter each other at different phases of their mourning.

Death undoes us at its whim. We come apart at the strangest times, yet are unaccountably calm at times we might expect to come apart.

Nature knows what it is doing. It will serve up the horrible pain of sorrow in excruciating doses, then shut your feelings down for a time while you breathe for a bit and re-experience life.

Do not be guilty for being alive.

Do not turn your back upon enjoyment. Seize it. Enjoy it. You are going to need it. You can only make it through sorrow if you allow nature to give you respite at times and then accept the pain when it returns.

Nature does not care where you cry—neither should you. Death is too important a happening to control and fit neatly into some preconceived social structure. Grief is primitive. It scares us with its intensity, unpredictability and the crazy thoughts it brings. It makes us a part of raw nature and it is awful. Sorrowing takes longer than anyone thinks it should. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not on schedule or that you are not doing it correctly. We are all different, yet elements of the process are all the same.

There are well-recognized “stages” that include shock, pain and overt sorrow, guilt, anger and acceptance. Usually these do not proceed in an orderly fashion. They can be mixed together. You may got through all of them in a matter of hours and you will experience them all—accept perhaps acceptance—again and again. Acceptance is hard to come by and at best is a long time coming.

All of this is natural and it will go forward better if you don’t fight it.

Grieve when it hurts.

Enjoy when you can.

Live because it is the legacy you hold in trust from the person who died.

Alan Lyall, M.D.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Once a day and sometimes more
You knock upon my daydreams door.
And I say warmly, “Come right in.

I’m glad you’re here with me again.”

Then we sit down and have a chat
Recalling this, discussing that
Until some task that I must do
Forces me away from you.

Reluctantly I say goodbye,
Smiling with a little sigh.
For though my daydreams bring you near
I wish that you were really here.

But what reality cannot change
My dreams and wishes can arrange.
And through my wishing you’ll be brought
To me each day; A happy thought.

– Stephen A. Wright –

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

As I promised in my last Blog, here are a few helpful ideas about saying goodbye. You could:

1. Write a letter (or a note, a wish, a prayer, a poem) to affirm the powerful emotions of love, longing and gratitude, and release feelings of sorrow, anger, regret and guilt and then burn it. Watch the smoke rise heavenward. (I wrote A LOT! But I saved most of what I wrote because I found the expression of feelings and thoughts itself was such a beautiful release. –You could keep a journal.)
2. Release a latex (bio-degradable) helium balloon that represents what you are grieving about and “letting go of.” (Helium is non-toxic and non-flammable, and has no harmful effects on the earth’s atmosphere.)
3. Seal your anguish in a healing box and bury it as you release your feelings. (This works really well for children…they love making a box and burying it. –I’ll talk more about treasure boxes and healing boxes in another Blog.)
4. Blow real bubbles—Visualize yourself letting go of the pain as bubbles float into the air and pop. (I love this ritual…I find it also works well to use a power meditation, or guided visualization, to envision the bubbles floating and popping.)
5. Express your emotions in a “vesuvius”—I’ll explain that eruption ritual in another Blog. (This ritual is great if you have a lot of anger.)
6. Find ways to honor your loved one and her/his life. (My sister loved plants and gardening so I nourished houseplants, landscaped the yard and made a garden.) You could plant a living memorial (tree, bush, shrub, garden) or put her/his picture on the wall, etc.—whatever ritual also expresses the person’s character.

Letting go (when you are ready) has such rich rewards, like forgiveness. And you will receive the gift of realizing that your loved one is not gone forever because she “comes back to you” in memories (and sometimes dreams). And NOBODY can take those away!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James