One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.

Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

~Author Unknown

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

July is bereaved parents awareness month—a time when the spotlight is on us to reach out to bereaved parents and their families. We are encouraged to listen to them without advising them…to offer a shoulder to cry on…to give a hug when appropriate and needed…to be there for the bereaved. 

Bereaved parents are often trapped for years in the memories of their children’s lives. And for bystanders it’s often hard to know what to do to support parents who have lost their son or daughter.

A simple, “I’m sorry for your loss” can go a long way.

Also, hearing a positive impact or story that their child had, can help tremendously.

So don’t avoid the parents. Yes, the child’s death may make you very uncomfortable and it may make you contemplate the mortality of your own children. It’s okay for you to not know what to say or how to help. A listening ear may be what they need the most. 

The first year after a child’s death is the most difficult. Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays will trigger pain and tears. Don’t avoid these dates…provide an opportunity for the parent to grieve and remember and not feel like they must hold the grief under control.

Be aware and provide support for both the health of the bereaved parents and their relationships.

Bereaved mothers and fathers experience more physical and emotional issues than do non-bereaved parents, including severe depression, mortality due to illness and suicide and failed marriages. Irreparable damage can be made to the family or their marriage. It is estimated that over 70% of marriages where a child has died, end in separation or divorce.

Read more about how to reach out to someone who has lost a child in death.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

In the course I recently completed (supporting individuals living with complex care needs), a point was brought up…most of the studies and models (and the resulting stages of grief and mourning) were done with people nearing the end of their life.

What about those who die young, or unexpectedly or have pre-existing mental illness or difficulties in comprehension and reasoning?

So I did a little digging.

Yes, most of the knowledge our society has acquired has been generalized to be a way of looking at losses and endings for everyone.

Today I’m shouting from the rooftop, “We cannot assume that we know how anyone will feel in any given situation—there are just too many variables.”

I know individuals who are surprised at the intensity of the grief expressed by someone living with a developmental disability because they did not think the relationship was a close one.

Whether the relationship between the person with developmental disabilities and the loved one was an obviously close one or a “hidden connection” the death can increase fear that others in the bereaved person’s life will die soon or leave. This can help cause the person to feel that the world is unpredictable, out of control, and unsafe.

So what are we, as caregivers, supposed to do? Consider the following guidelines:

Check with the individual being supported. And then check again. In other words, give the person time. Offer them a chance to talk about the loss on several occasions over time…and don’t force the subject.

Be aware of your own feelings.

And allow the feelings of another person to emerge safely.

Don’t judge what bubbles up. Listen non-judgmentally.

Provide reassurance that s/he is not alone and there are other people to help.

Listen.

Give a hug.

Hold a hand.

And minimize change…in routines…in accommodations…

Displays of grief are often misunderstood…and discouraged…especially when they are intense and disruptive…as is what we often see with someone living with a developmental disability.

If you are providing respite for someone living with a developmental disability, here are some questions you can ask caregivers supporting that person:

How did the person respond when it was discussed with him/her about the person who died?

What has the person done or said that makes you think s/he is coping well or not coping well?

Has s/he acted in ways that are unusual for him/her?

Have sleeping patterns changed?

Have eating habits changed?

Has work productivity changed?

Is the person withdrawing from social activities?

Has there been an increase in complaints of pain or illness?

Has their personality changed?

For those living with a developmental disability, grieving may require much more time, effort, and support than for most people.

What experiences have you had?

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

“Kindness is the language the blind can see and the deaf can hear.”

 ~ Mark Twain

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass…It’s about learning to dance in the rain!”

~Vivian Greene

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

“Remember to preserve a calm soul amid difficulties.”

~Horace (Roman poet; 65 BC – 8 BC)

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Killing oneself is not illegal in Canada, but helping someone to commit suicide is against the law.

So Susan Griffiths, a seventy-two-year-old Canadian, went to a clinic in Zurich, Switzerland for the right to die on her own terms, with the help of a doctor, before her body could be completely taken over by multiple system atrophy.

Last Thursday, April 25, 2013, she died peacefully…with some family members by her side.

Switzerland is the only country that allows physician-assisted suicide for non-residents.

Now, with this event in the news, the debate begins again in Canada—Should our Canadian government be looking at ways to allow the terminally ill to end their suffering without the act being considered an assisted suicide under federal law?

Supporters of the current law, including many disability rights groups, say allowing assisted suicide would make things hard on the disabled. The Canadian Association for Community Living has said assisted suicide creates the impression that lives affected by disabilities are somehow less worthy.

Federal government lawyers told the B.C. court that assisted suicide creates the possibility that people with disabilities, the elderly and the terminally ill could be coerced into ending their lives or do so in moments of depression and despair.

What are your thoughts?

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the staircase.”

~Martin Luther King

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

How did you do it?” Carol asked me, knowing she was facing an overwhelming situation.

She wanted to ‘be with’ her mother who was dying with Alzheimer’s, just as my Mom had.

Carol was unable to carry on a conversation with her mother about what her mother was feeling and thinking as her body and mind deteriorated.

With the best of her ability, Carol had coped with being an impotent bystander to her mother’s suffering and decline, knowing she couldn’t make her Mom any better.

She had watched, over time, as her mother experienced panic, obsession, distraction and delusion.

She had watched and assisted as walking, balance and movement had become increasingly difficult for her Mom…those progressive changes as her motor functions became impaired, eventually seeing her Mom chair-bound and then bed-bound when Shirley could no longer hold up her head.

She had watched as Shirley’s personality changed…and as her Mom smiled less and less, experiencing loss of facial expression.

And she helped out more and more as Shirley had increasing difficulty with eating and swallowing…leading to weight loss and dehydration.

And then there were the more frequent infections Shirley experienced…a urinary tract infection, pneumonia…

It was an understatement to say Carol was exhausted from the care taking. She was emotionally drained. And she was constantly on the verge of tears.

“Here’s a thought.” I said. “Hold your Mom’s frail and paper-skinned hand. Kiss her cheek and her forehead. Brush what hair she has left. And tell her stories that you remember about the two of you. It doesn’t matter if she understands what you are saying—she will hear your loving voice and feel comfort.”

“And I have to pass on some great advice someone shared with me: ‘Don’t let this horrible end rob you of the amazing story that went before.’ ”

I can tell you from my own experience, you will get through this…even if it is in a haze.

Take a deep breath…and a wee bit of time to recharge yourself.

And forgive yourself for what you perceive as your imperfect efforts to be totally responsive as more and more expectations were placed upon you.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

When your loved one deteriorates and dies and you are exhausted from the care-taking, you must forgive yourself for your imperfect efforts to be totally responsive as your beloved aged, became more dependent, and placed greater expectations upon you—confident that your deceased beloved understands and forgives you.

It’s natural to want to tell yourself:

“I should have…”

“If only I hadn’t been so exhausted…”

“I just needed a break and then I was ready for more…”

You are human after all…and you can only do so much before you need a break too.

Next Blog post I’ll share Carol’s story of being with her Mom who died with Alzheimer’s.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James