You just heard about the death of —- (someone you knew) and now you want to write a letter of condolence to the bereaved…but you aren’t sure what to write.

Here are some tips:

Express your sorrow sincerely. –Be honest…and write the way you would normally speak to the person. Let the bereaved know you care about the anguish of their loss.

You can note how you came to hear of the death (and yes it’s OK to use the word ‘death’ and even use the word ‘suicide’) and express your shock and dismay upon hearing about it. (By conveying your sadness you help remind the bereaved that they are not alone.)

*Mention the deceased by name.

Note a special quality of the deceased…a characteristic you cherished. (“S/he had such a keen wit [courage, leadership, devotion…].” “S/he had such a generous nature.”)

And share one or more stories, remembrances or anecdotes of the deceased. (“I remember when…” “S/he influenced my life by…” “S/he touched my heart when…”) –This helps remind the bereaved that their beloved was appreciated by others.

And don’t be afraid to share a humorous incident—laughter helps heal.

Remind the bereaved of their strengths.

And share any loving remarks that the deceased made about the bereaved.

If you sincerely wish to offer your assistance, do so—but make sure to offer something specific (helping with correspondence, running errands or shopping, taking care of children…) and make sure you follow up on your promise!

And remember, it’s always more personal to hand-write the note on stationary instead of writing up your thoughts on the computer and printing it.

In my next post I’ll give some ideas on what to say in closing your letter of condolence.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
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