I’ve learned:
That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.
That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way.
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
That life is tough, but I’m tougher.
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.
~Andy Rooney

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Yesterday when I was packing and sorting, I came across the following poem written by my mother:

I listened to the waters moan
And watched the gull and flighty cloud
Above Atlantic sky, and knew the strength
Of nature’s breath and shouted loud
A message “I love you” to the winds
To bring to you.

I stood alone upon the shore
In pensive mood with embedded memory
Of Mother, Father. A closeness came
For I recalled a time gone by where
Our joys were one, a kindness, smile past
And then my tears were gone
What was then will last.
~Tillie Hack

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

“Time marches on and one has no choice but to march with it.”

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Let me explain how grieving is like an initiation into insight—if you can become aware of what is happening, you can be awakened to a greater understanding of life (you can have an insight into the truth of life).

Yes, death is a stepping-stone in our journey of awareness—an opportunity for insight. We contemplate the memory of our beloved and what s/he meant in our life (what significance s/he was in the world) and that leads us to a questioning of our life’s purpose—to what our significance is. We ask ourselves, “Who am I?” And we reexamine our goals and our history. I certainly did that after Cindy’s death.

I looked at my past and reexamined my beliefs, my reactions, and my feelings…in order to learn something.

And I focused on changing those things in myself that I didn’t like.

And I came up with a belief, of what happened to Cindy, in order for me to carry on.

Then years later when I researched for my book, I became wracked with sorrow during the writing process as I reexamined it all in order to fit the new facts into my belief system.

But there was also a beautiful release as everything came together for me. —My senses were heightened…I saw through different eyes…I experienced the darkness of humanity but was awakened to the beauty around me. I had learned to really live and experience life fully. Food tasted different. I questioned everything. I found answers and fulfillment and a purpose for my life! I opened myself up to other people’s beliefs and views while I was searching. I looked at what my spiritual/religious beliefs were and where they came from, and I reflected on my beliefs about dying, death and what happens afterwards. I read inspirational writings, meditated, prayed, wrote letters to Cindy and “talked” to her. I forgave my mistakes and those of others. I accepted myself and learned to be accountable to me and not to someone else.

When I accepted that nothing could ever bring Cindy back, I looked at the future and found the greater meaning in her life and death.

Oh yes, it was hard, but I did it…one day at a time…one step at a time.

I learned so much…but that’s for another Blog post.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress; lawn mower in his hand, and a dish-towel in hers. It was the time for fixing things: A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there’d always be more.

But then my mother died, and on that clear summer’s night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn’t any more. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away…never to return. So…while we have it… it’s best we love it…and care for it…and fix it when it’s broken…and heal it when it’s sick.

This is true…for marriage…and old cars…and children with bad report cards…dogs and cats with bad hips…and aging parents…and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special…And so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thinks I am a ‘keeper’ (Thanks Ken), so I’ve posted it here on my Blog for all of you (the people I think of in the same way).

Now it’s your turn to share this with those people who are ‘keepers’ in your life.

Good friends are like stars—You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light.
~Helen Keller

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

“How is it that even 2 1/2 years after Henry’s death, the sound of his name brings me a smile and warms my heart? –Because he was a positive relationship in my life!

“He was the sunshine to my soul.

“He loved and cherished me…just as I did him.

“And he left me with tons of wonderful memories.

“I wish I could express to him one more time how much he meant to me…each and everything he did. The times he rescued our children from something or someone, how people would take notice when he talked to them. He once said, ‘You have to talk to people in a language they understand.’ And he had the ability to do that. One of the things he was best at was communication…and people.

“For the rest of my life my kids and I will feel loved because of him. I am thankful I had him in my life, even just for the nine and a half years that I knew him, and the four years and five months we were married. I can’t imagine my life without him having been in it.”
~Helen

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Along with peace, love and hope, a dear friend in Hong Kong sent this beautiful guided meditation for survivors of suicide.

“Each paragraph is a step in the meditation…an individual point for consideration.
Read each step, and then stop and contemplate it.
Look at things from that perspective.
Let the feeling described fill your heart.
When you are ready, go on to the next step.”

Imagine your loved one when he or she was healthy and active.

Look at your dear one fondly and think, “I’m so glad that we were able to share life together for as long as we did. I’m so glad that you were part of my life.”

Rejoice that you knew that person.

In your mind, say to your loved one, “Everything in life changes—things begin and they end and something new happens after that. We, and everything around us, are in constant flux. I know we can’t be together always, so even though our separation happened sooner than I would have liked or expected, I’m so glad we knew each other.”

While appreciating that you knew that person, let yourself accept that change occurs.

You and your dear one loved each other. No matter whether your relationship with your dear one was usually peaceful or often contentious, the underlying feeling is one of love, of wishing each other well.

Bring that feeling into your heart and know that no matter what pain either of you may have felt at various times, no matter how confused your loved one might have been, no matter what he or she may have done due to their confusion and pain, the base of your relationship was love and wishing each other well. Nothing can change that. Feel that love.

On the basis of that affection, forgive them for anything hurtful they may have said or done during the whole duration of your relationship with them. Forgive yourself for anything hurtful you may have said or done towards them during the time you knew each other. Let go of all conflicted or tumultuous feelings. Let your mind be peaceful.

Say to them, “Although I can’t imagine the suffering that made you take your life, I know that suffering and confusion are not your essence. And I know that grief and feelings of guilt are not my essence. May we, and all beings, have happiness and its causes. May we, and all beings, be free from suffering and its causes.”

Look at them again, with love, and bid them farewell, at least for this life. Think, “Wherever you are now, I wish you well. I want you to be happy and to be free from suffering. You have a different experience now, and so do I. So as we both go on, I wish you well. My love is with you.”

Feel the love and compassion in your heart and know that it is not limited to one or even a handful of individuals. Love is not something of limited quantity. So take that love and compassion in your heart and share it with the world. Be kind to whoever is in front of you at any particular moment, for at that moment that person is the embodiment and representative of all beings for you.

Your mind may have the tendency to get stuck in self-centered patterns of thinking, replaying an event over and over in your mind. Remember that your dear one died once and it was over. But each time you replay the mental video entitled “what if…” or “how could he have?” you experience the trauma again.

You have to learn to catch yourself when you start to replay these mental videos. Push the mental “stop” button and come back to the present moment. Enjoy this moment because it’s the only thing that is right now.

It’s important to place your grief in context. Every one of us has experienced unbelievable pain. That does not discount our individual suffering, but it places it in the context of the big picture.

That big picture is that pain and grief exist and they have no owner. We don’t have a monopoly on it; no individual has a monopoly on pain. We are all the same in wanting happiness and wishing to be free from suffering. Feel that sameness; know that you share that with all other living beings. Feel compassion for all those who experience misery like you. Send them your love, care, compassion, and understanding.

Your relationship with the one who completed suicide is not the only relationship in your life. You have a full life and there is goodness in your heart to share with others. Avoid getting stuck in a narrow way of thinking that focuses only on this one person.

Also, when thinking about your dear one, remember that they had a full life too. Their entire life was not misery, and the meaning and value of their life is not defined by how they died. Let the fullness of their life and your life fill your heart.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

This past week I mentioned how your mind, your body, your immune system and stress are all interrelated in grief.

I suggested using a modification of gestalt therapy called ‘open chair’ to face the reality of a death, using candle gazing to create inner peace, and using mindfulness and meditation to release pain.

Let’s take a closer look at mindfulness. There are four foundations (body, feelings, mind states, mind objects):

Body includes, amongst other aspects, being aware of postures, somatic sensations (touch) and the breath; what are your five physical senses perceiving?

Feelings (not mindfulness of the emotions) but more being attentive to the qualities of pleasantness, unpleasantness or neutrality that arises in the mind in relationship to physical sensations or mental processes.

Mind states; being aware of the states of mind that may color the mind, such as a distracted mind, a happy mind, an angry mind, a guilty mind and so on, and,

Mind objects; being aware of the content of mind such as thoughts, and being aware of how they condition both physical and mental processes.

Let’s take a look at anger as an example. Say you are angry with someone for taking his or her life (or angry at the person who murdered your beloved)…angry at the way they left…maybe angry that they didn’t say goodbye…(angry that there has been no justice, or angry that they didn’t get caught). In your mind you replay what happened, how you had no control, and your anger towards your beloved who committed suicide (or towards the murderer) gets stronger.

But stop. Focus on your feeling and recognize it as anger and label it as such. Become one with it. Then you can start to calm your anger with your breathing, “Breathing in, I know that anger is in me.” “Breathing out, I know I must put my energy into caring for my anger.” “Breathing in, I am calm.” “Breathing out, I am strong enough to take care of this anger.” Avoid thinking about the person you are angry at…instead focus on observing your anger. Once you release it, you can look deeper at your anger and examine the reason why you are angry—what are you telling yourself about the situation? (Are you feeling guilty? Are you feeling abandoned? Do you want revenge? –What ideas, beliefs and perceptions are leading to your suffering?). Once you understand the cause of the anger, the anger will already start to transform. Do not be afraid of it. Do not reject it. Understand that anger is energy within you and you are transforming it and freeing yourself from it.

I find it helps to go out into the fresh air and walk, and focus on my breathing and tell myself, “Breathing in, I know that [whatever feeling] is with me.” “Breathing out, I can take care of this.” As I walk I start to enjoy the beauty around me, the birds, the trees, how my body feels, I gather strength…and I calm myself, and then I can look closer at the feeling and its causes.

There are many mind tools that can be used to develop mindfulness.

Breathing exercises is one…to concentrate the mind by being aware of the rise and fall of your abdomen when you breathe. So you focus by cueing into your breathing. You are aware of your breath in and your breath out.

Another is to avoid unmindful people and choose mindful friends. Can we be there fully for another, to hear or witness the truth of their experience completely, without judgment or reactivity?

Another is to pay attention to your life and stay away from intoxicants.

And yet another is to keep a grief journal and track sorrow through the body.

In my next Blog post I’ll share a wonderful guided meditation.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

If you are experiencing grief, you may have an ache at the center of your chest. Why? Since the heart center is at the breastbone (the focus of tenderness) the ache at the center of the chest is the grief point.

Using guided meditations, you can open up the grief point…you can loosen and lighten the grip of distress and disturbing emotions…you can release the pain in order to live with it and accept it.

Have you noticed that when you want your deceased beloved and the more you want him/her and focus on that wanting, the more there is hollowness in the pit of your stomach because you can’t have what you want? –There is a feeling within you of disappointment and sickness and grief (the pangs of grief). This is because you want the situation to be something other than it is—you don’t want to accept the change…you don’t want to accept the loss. You may also have a ton of “what if’s” and “if only’s” and a gamut of other agonizing thoughts, feelings, fantasies and imaginings going around and around in your mind causing you intense grief and sadness. You may even be trying to suppress your feelings and painful thoughts, only to feel increasingly worse later on and manifest all kinds of illnesses.

As a grieving person having mindfulness (also called ‘satipatthana’– having a thorough or deep awareness of something, or seeing it with wisdom; ‘Sati’ meaning ‘awareness’ or ‘remembering’, and ‘patthana’ meaning ‘keeping present’) you can more effectively acknowledge the reality of loss, allow the pain of grief to reveal without further complication, process it…and find relief by overcoming the effects of grief.

Mindfulness is like having a guard at the door of your senses—within mindfulness grief and sorrow are mental states that can be eased.

The theme behind mindfulness is to honestly relate with whatever comes up as it arises and to go to the center of the pain. And the aim is to perceive and acknowledge the reality of the pain in the “here and now” in order to get a different perspective about it, accept it (surrender to it), and eventually have it pass. This is one way of “working through” the pain of grief.

(Some modern psychotherapies and supportive grief counseling techniques use elements of mindfulness.)

In my upcoming Blog posts I’ll talk more about mindfulness, suggest some tools for developing it, and share a guided meditation for survivors.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James