If you have not been able to attend to your sorrow, chances are you have not been able to feel the world around you.

Maybe you are hiding and withdrawing, or keeping busy so that you don’t “hear” what is going on in your heart.

Perhaps you have become numb and listless and empty—so you’ve sought out food or drugs or dangerous behaviors so that you can’t see what’s smoldering beneath the surface.

Afraid to move in any direction you’ve closed off a part of yourself and feel stuck—and trust yourself less.

Now imagine having a technique that allows you to grieve by yourself.

Imagine being able to totally immerse yourself in whatever you are doing. Imagine feeling a greater sense of calm, understanding and compassion.

One way of dealing with grief is that of the Theravadin Buddhists’ practice of mindfulness. It’s a way to stay aware of your mind and body “in the here and now.”

In my next few Blog posts I’ll share more about grieving with mindfulness.

And I’ll pass along a beautiful guided meditation that was shared with me.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Time…living one day at a time…helps heal the scars of the soul.
And maybe in time…we can remember more of the beauty, and less of the pain.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Stress and the immune system are integrated—they are tied into your mood and what you are thinking.

So the trauma of experiencing grief with a death and its associated stress, can really affect you physically. That’s why it is so important to pay attention to your body when you grieve! 

There can be tension created in your muscles (and a heightened state of awareness in the nervous system) that will consume a lot of your energy; As a result, you may feel tired or even exhausted when it seems you haven’t even done anything!

And because the stress response affects the immune system, colds and other minor infections are common.

The effects of stress can last for years in your organs and cause a lot of problems later on—recurrent infections, worsening of a chronic condition (such as eczema or asthma or diabetes), high blood pressure, hair loss, disruption of the menstrual cycle…

Heart palpitations,
Shortness of breath,
Visual and auditory hallucinations (and these are part of the normal grief reaction),
Stomach upsets,
Uncontrollable crying,
Headaches,
Sleep disruptions,
Irritability,
Sexual problems,

There are a lot of activities you can engage in and you need to find those ones that renew you and give you energy. I had a passion for going for walks in nature. It was exhilarating for me! I also enjoyed attending aerobic classes and working out with weights. You could go bike riding, skiing, gardening, or running… any sports. There’s tai chi, yoga, dancing and more. The exercise doesn’t have to be hard. It can be gentle as long as what you are doing has a positive impact on your body and your mind!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Schmerz…it’s a German word…and it describes the physical and emotional pain we suffer when we face a major loss.

A friend or family member dies after a long fight with illness.

A family pet is put down.

Someone commits suicide.

You suffer a miscarriage.

You lose a limb.

Maybe you lose your hearing.

Or your marriage breaks up.

We fear serious loss…When will it happen? How will it affect me? Will I survive it?

Grief is the natural reaction to loss. It is an exhausting process that robs us of both physical and emotional energy. Everything feels so raw, so painful. We are surprised at the depth of our grief, at the toll it takes on our bodies.

In an upcoming Blog post I will share how your thoughts can affect your physical functioning…and what you can do to help yourself.

(My heart goes out to those affected by the recent shooting rampage in the small idyllic town northeast of Stuttgart, Germany, in which 15 people were killed.)

Friede sei mit euch! (Peace be with you)

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

For parents, the death of a child is probably the most painful loss imaginable.

For parents who’ve lost a child to suicide, the pain and grief may be intensified. Although these feelings may never completely go away, survivors of suicide can take steps to begin the healing process:

Maintain contact with others. Suicide can be a very isolating experience for surviving family members because friends often don’t know what to say or how to help. Seek out supportive people to talk with about your child and your feelings. If those around you seem uncomfortable about reaching out, initiate the conversation and ask for their help.

Remember that your other family members are grieving, too, and that everyone expresses grief in their own way. Your other children, in particular, may try to deal with their pain alone so as not to burden you with additional worries. Be there for each other through the tears, anger, and silences — and, if necessary, seek help and support together.

Understand that it’s normal to feel guilty and to question how this could have happened, but it’s also important to realize that you may never get the answers you are looking for. The healing that takes place over time comes from reaching a point of forgiveness — for both your child and yourself.

Counseling and support groups can play a tremendous role in helping you to realize you are not alone.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Lighting a candle, taking a deep breath, and focusing on the flame (for as little as a few minutes), is a great way to create inner silence and peace in a world of turmoil.

You can use scented candles like lavender, vanilla, chamomile, sandalwood, ylang ylang, (fragrances renowned for their relaxation benefits and stress relief) —whatever fragrance is right for you; or simply use an unscented candle of calming, muted colors.

Whether a floating candle suspended in a bowl of water, or a candle at the center of a display of rocks, or a candle sitting on its own, the benefits are the same.

Safely place a lighted candle in front of you at eye level, at a distance that does not create a blur for you.

Try darkening your room.

Focus on the blue flame at the base of the wick and watch the changes of subtle color during its dance.

Release everything about your day…release your worries…release your responsibilities…release your obligations…and quiet your mind.

(Experience your body relaxing as the tension leaves and oozes out of you. If you use a floating candle, imagine and feel the tension and stress emptying and pouring into the water.)

Slow down your breaths.

Relax.

If the candle is scented, deeply breathe in its fragrance.

Focus on the flame.

You will feel warm and relaxed.

Then repeat:

I am calm.
I am whole and well.
I connect with my higher self…with source energy.
I am one with the universe.
I am at peace with my surroundings.
Everything is working out for my highest good.
I am open to the good that is coming.
I am free.
All is well in my world.
And I am grateful for those wonderful things I do have in my life.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

When you were first told that your loved one was dead, among your first reactions were probably shock, numbness and denial. You didn’t want it to be true. Maybe you instinctively knew that to overcome the effects of grief you needed to accept the reality of the situation and experience whatever pain came up. So you repeatedly talked about the event/death to help bring home the reality of the situation.

Sometimes despite our repeated sharing, the reality is still hard to grasp—times when we need close contact and support of a counselor/therapist.

Did you know there is another way that can help you accept the reality of a death and experience its pain? It’s a role-playing technique called “open chair or “empty chair” –a Gestalt therapy technique widely used by grief counselors and grief therapists as a guideline.

It involves talking to your loved one in an empty chair as if the deceased person were actually sitting there; afterward, you sit in the deceased person’s chair and speak from that person’s perspective.

The dialogue is in first person, and a counselor or therapist is always present.

I adopted the technique and modified it for myself after my sister, Cindy, died:

I pretended she was sitting across from me.

I told her about my feelings.

I imagined what her response would be.

I told her what I was feeling guilty, angry or sad about.

I told her what I would have changed.

And I told her what I felt good about.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

No one knew the torment,
that you were going through;
We only kept on seeing
What we really wanted to.

We saw the outward smile,
but not your inner pain;
We never really dreamt,
That you would never smile again.

Forgive us if we failed to see,
What we could do to aid;
Or if we failed to comprehend,
How much you were afraid.

We pray your mental anguish,
Will now forever cease;
And that your deep anxieties,
Will be replaced by peace.

We know your pain invaded,
Every single thought you had;
It made you cry internally,
And deeply, deeply sad.

But we in turn remember,
The good times, not the bad;
We remember when you smiled at us,
And not when you were sad.

So when we think about your life,
We won’t dwell upon its close;
We’ll remember all the good times,
And forget about life’s blows.

We’ll remember all the happiness,
The joy and not the tears;
The assurance and the confidence,
And not irrational fears.

Our lives have all been better,
Because you have been there;
So now we leave your memory,
In God’s all-loving care.
~ Dick Underwood (c) 2008

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Sometimes when a stranger commits suicide and you accidentally see it, you can be haunted with an image of the death act and what the person looked like as they did it—it can create a lasting emotional effect on you (it can effect your self esteem and self worth) and it can create physical symptoms within you (pain).

It makes it even more difficult if you don’t know much about what happened or why it happened and you are unable to find more information or answers.

You may be gripped by a morbid curiosity.

You may get so upset and disturbed that you vomit.

You may even live in denial, thinking what you witnessed hasn’t affected you at all.  

It is normal to feel complete numbness and shaky and weak and in shock for days.

It’s OK to talk about “it” (adopting a mentality of silence can create further problems) knowing that your personal beliefs and values have been shattered.

Develop a perspective on your loss that you can live with. If you like to write, you can try opening the floodgates by writing a poem (including your feelings) or a letter to the person who died.

If your thoughts interfere with your daily functioning, seek out a trustworthy friend or a support group or a professional to talk with.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

My apologies if the graphic material in this Blog post offends, but many people have shared what they thought were strange reactions…and they wanted to know if they were “normal” or if they were “losing it”.
First off, there is nothing weird about the way people grieve—there is nothing shameful about what survivors of suicide think about!
It’s perfectly normal to experience hyper vigilance plus specific reactions and behaviors as a direct result of your thoughts about someone’s death—as a result of an abnormal event.
For instance, if your beloved died in a gruesome way and people have advised you to not see the body nor see any photos of the aftermath, because as they say, “That image will remain in your head forever,” you may be left with an imagination that can come up with some pretty awful images of what your loved one might have looked like. And you may also experience new (and sometimes troubling) behaviors, including nightmares.
So if you know a beloved shot himself with a gun in his mouth or to his temple, every time you hear a loud bang (like a car backfiring) you may automatically touch the back of your head (as if someone shot a gun and the bullet found it’s way to you) to make sure your skull is still there, or feel a pain in your temple where you believe the person shot themselves.
Or maybe, if your beloved died from strangulation, you hate having something too close to your throat like a turtleneck or tight necklace, or maybe you wake up disturbed when the blanket or sheet touches your neck.
Someone shared with me how she wakes up seemingly gasping for air because her beloved committed suicide using car exhaust.
It makes sense you would feel/think/react in the ways described above—because if you haven’t had a chance for closure, your mind will create fantasies…a way for you to remind yourself that your beloved did die.
You need to find a way to manage your physical and emotional reactions and work through your grief. And if your reactions develop into panic attacks or post-traumatic stress or flashbacks (where the image of the death haunts you) or persistent nightmares or alcohol/substance abuse, make sure you seek out a professional for assistance and specialized care.  

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James