Often, we don’t fully appreciate a person until they are gone…in this case, meaning deceased.

Take for example the death of a famous person who was also a philanthropist. When they die, it’s all over the news…the movies they made…how they were a sex symbol…the awards they received…or the books they wrote…

But what strikes me is the discovery of how much someone did for humanity or for the betterment of the world. Sometimes I find myself saying, “Oh I didn’t know s/he did all that” and then I feel sad about not having paid more attention to his/her charitable work.

So it got me to thinking…shouldn’t we be appreciating people more NOW…before they are dead!

Can’t we look beyond the everyday nonsense of celebrities attending a nightclub, or a movie premiere, or giving birth, or whatever…and celebrate their adoption of destitute children, or their huge donations to charities, or maybe their opening of a camp for sick children or for the disabled or for the elderly, or their assistance to inner city youth, or their improvement of the environment…

And all that leads me to my final thoughts—shouldn’t we celebrate the people in our life: our spouses…our children…our extended family…our friends, and so on, for the acts of kindness and charity and thoughtfulness they do every day!

How wonderful would it be to be sitting around the dinner table, or call someone up, and say to that person, “I really think that’s great what you did when you…. I’m proud of what you did to make this world a better place. Thank you.”

I think I’ll start doing that today!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

When you are experiencing the pain of grief, it’s common to feel tightness in your chest and palpitations.

Even breathing can be a problem—it’s as if you struggle to breath in life when death feels so close!

Yes, physical symptoms are normal but it doesn’t hurt to put your mind at ease and stay on top of any potential problems. So it’s always a good idea to get a check-up—especially if you are feeling physical symptoms!

And remember to breathe…and breathe deeply. Even if you are unable to do anything physical for stress release, you can still breathe deeply!

Nurture yourself as you consciously take in the breath of life. You will be improving your health by improving your blood.

Do not give up!

Every day in grief will have its own shade of sorrow and pain:
One day you might feel a lot of anger and have an intense need to let it out physically in a safe way. Another time you might need to wrap yourself in a nap or play in a bubble bath or express yourself through art or writing.

The important thing is to stay in touch with your changing needs and nurture yourself with love and patience.

Just living with grief can be overwhelming. We really need to be good to ourselves.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

“I found a link to your site and was reading one of your Blog posts (actually, a lot of them) and just wanted to say thanks for reminding me how special life really is in so many little ways. I need to slow down, which I find almost impossible most of the time, and remind myself how grateful I am to still be here.”
~Tanya

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

You can’t control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
~Yiddish proverb

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

“As I near the end of my life, will you seek out information about my disease?”

“Will you respect my advance directives?”

“Will you embrace your role as my caregiver and be prepared for what to expect?”

“Will you respect my wants and my needs…even if they are different from what they used to be…and especially if you don’t agree with my choices?”

“Will you care for yourself so that you are not exhausted from caring for me?”

“Will you stay with me even if the going gets rough???”

“If I have negative feelings…like frustration, sadness, despair at God or life…will you listen empathetically?”

“Will you meet me where I am at, and not force any unwanted discussion on me, if I am not ready?”

“And if I cannot communicate for myself, will you speak for me to make sure that what I’ve asked for is done?”

“Will you just sit and be with me, even if I don’t want to, or can no longer, respond?”

“And will you help my family members after I am gone?!”

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

A few days ago my eleven-year-old son decided to learn how to juggle.

He was a bit nervous and overwhelmed but determined to use his apprehension to energize himself.

He didn’t worry about if he could do it or not, and he didn’t worry about how long it would take…he just dove in because he knew it would give him satisfaction to try…that it would give him positive feelings.

He started off with three balls of varying sizes and weights, and with trial and error discovered that he had more success if all the balls were of equal weight and size (the balls didn’t immediately shoot off in different directions and heights).

So he had sensory clues…but never having juggled before (and only having watched professionals with amazement) he still needed to figure out what to do next.

So he hopped on the computer and googled How To Juggle.

He found suggestions and tips, but it was still up to him to make it happen!

So over and over he tried and tried…and soon he was juggling 4, 5, and then 6 rounds without the balls falling…even surprising himself with what was possible with persistence, desire and faith.

He still had a lot to learn and a lot more practice to put in, but he was willing to commit to that because he was already seeing results and it made him feel good…even if he couldn’t rival the greatest jugglers.

And it’s the same with mourning.

When a loved one dies we don’t know how long it will take for the pain to subside and for us to “feel better”.

And if we’ve never had our breath knocked out by a death we may not know what to do or where to turn…possibly losing ourselves in grief and getting stuck.

Sure, we can read about grief and listen to people’s suggestions on what to do to help ourselves. But unless we acknowledge the pain and walk with it, and make the choice to dive into the grief work…nothing will change for us.

So don’t be afraid to take the approach of working with your pain. Yes, you’ll likely fumble and fall a bit…but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try it to begin with.

Don’t worry about how long it takes.

Don’t worry about what other people think.

Don’t worry about how other people are doing it.

Do what you need to do for yourself.

Take care of yourself, of your needs, of your heart.

This must be hard for you.

Take all the time you need.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

One thing I know for certain: my mother knew I loved her – without conditions and without expectations.
Oh, I was far from the perfect child – just as she was far from the perfect mother. But she and I had a special relationship and even her death can’t take that away from me.
~J

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

When people ask you how you are doing, don’t always say, “Fine.”

Let some people know how terrible you feel. It can help when you talk with a dear friend who listens empathically…or with someone who has “been there” and survived…those people speak your language of pain.

And only they can truly say, “I understand…I know…and you are not alone!”

Then reach out and try to help others in some small way—Doing this is a baby step…a diversion…a break…that helps you step away from dwelling on yourself and your pain…at least for a little while…and then you can jump back in.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

It doesn’t matter how much time has passed or how much our life has changed, when anniversary dates of a loved one’s death roll around it’s natural that we remember, we mourn, and we feel:

Today my thoughts are on —–. He went missing [in September] 35 years ago and then on the 27th [of that month] he was found.
Man I really miss him!!
~M

It isn’t fair is it?
Thanks, M, for sharing your feelings.

Some cultures celebrate death anniversaries (deathday)…in China it’s called jìchén; in Japan: shotsuki meinichi; in India: shraadh; In Korea: gije; in Vietnam…and so on.

But it doesn’t matter what you call it…they are all festive occasions, generally for family (and sometimes close friends), who gather together in a private ceremony and enjoy a banquet of the deceased person’s favorite food (and special dishes only prepared for this occasion)…and sometimes incense is burned.

When my sister Cindy died, I knew nothing about such a ceremony. Yet it’s interesting how one day, not that long after her death, my family and I held a special buffet luncheon in Cindy’s honor.

We bought all of Cindy’s favorite foods and everybody had to eat a bit of everything. We had pickles, corn, black olives, French pastries, cindybuns (a type of doughnut), popcorn, a special kind of orange drink, Blue Nun wine, a huge, wonderful salad without mushrooms, pea soup, sliced meats and other items I cannot remember.

It was a very special meal.

One minute I was laughing, well smiling at least, feeling a connection to my family, and the next minute I was in tears and escaping outside to try and breathe, overwhelmed with grief and just wanting Cindy to be with us again. Please, just one more time, I pleaded to the universe—just for a few minutes longer. I held tight to the railing around her deck and sobbed until Mom found me and cried with me. I just wanted Cindy back. Later in the evening we had pizza and potato chips, also foods Cindy enjoyed.

I saw family members trying to be positive and hopeful and cheerful but there was still a cloud of sadness around us. As I ate, I looked at my family members and wondered when I was going to wake up from this bizarre experience. I also wondered how we would…or if we would…celebrate Cindy’s birthday.

Since then we have all raised our glasses, on many occasions, in a toast to Cindy. And although my family of origin and I rarely are together on her death anniversary (because we all live so far apart), I still have my own private ceremony in her honor…and I’ll share some of that with you in another Blog post.

So don’t be afraid to celebrate your loved one’s death anniversary (his/her life) and remember.

It doesn’t matter how long ago s/he died!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Whether you believe in God or not, this parable helps us reflect on the idea that even after a person’s death more than their memory stays with us.

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. “Is the way long?”
she asked. And her guide said, “Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be
old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the
beginning.” But the young mother was happy and she would not believe that
anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children
and gathered flowers for them along the way and bathed with them in the
clear streams; and the sun shone on them and life was good, and the young
mother cried, “Nothing will ever be lovelier than this.”

Then night came, and storm, and the path was dark and the children
shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them
with her mantle and the children said “O mother, we are not afraid, for you
are near, and no harm can come,” and the mother said, “This is better than
the brightness of day, for I have taught my children courage.”

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead and the children
climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary, but at all times she said
to the children, “A little patience and we are there.” So the children
climbed and when they reached the top, they said. “We could not have done it
without you, mother.” And the mother, when she lay down that night, looked
up at the stars and said, “This is a better day than the last, for my
children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave
them courage, today I have given them strength.”

And the next day came strange clouds, which darkened the earth—clouds
of war and hate and evil—and the children groped and stumbled and the
mother said, “Look up. Lift your eyes to the light.” And the children
looked and saw above the clouds an Everlasting Glory, and it guided them and
brought them beyond the darkness. And that night the mother said, “This is
the best day of all, for I have shown my children God.”

And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and
the mother grew old, and she was little and bent. But her children were
tall and strong and walked with courage. And when the way was rough they
lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a
hill, and beyond the hill they could see a shining road and golden gates
flung wide.

And the mother said, “I have reached the end of my journey. And now I
know that the end is better than the beginning for my children can walk
alone, and their children after them.”

And the children said, “You will always walk with us, Mother, even when
you have gone through the gates.”

And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates
closed after her. And they said, “We cannot see her, but she is with us
still. A mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a Living Presence.”

~Temple Bailey (American novelist and short story writer)

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James