For five minutes at the beginning of your day, consider the ways you are attached to its outcome:

How do you expect others in your life to behave?

What fears do you have about how life will unfold today?

What are you afraid might happen unexpectedly?

How do you expect yourself to perform?

What “things” are you attached to?

Acknowledge each of these in your own mind.

Then say to yourself:

“Love is the foundation for trust, and life is love’s process. My happiness depends on life’s unfolding, and I shall welcome it now.“

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Have you noticed that no one seems to die at the end of their life?

People always seem to die before their life is over.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

In my search for an answer to Cindy’s death, gathering facts of the death process helped me to find an understanding of death. I wanted to know:

What is it like?
What actually happens while I’m dying?
Does anybody really know?
How painful is it?
How does my body shut down in death?
When am “I” no longer “me” in my body?

Because I was given very little concrete information about Cindy’s death (since it was “under investigation” at the time), I really wanted to know if my sister died:

1) because her heart stopped, or
2) because she was in a coma and stopped breathing.

Did she struggle for breath as her body was shutting down?
Did she bleed to death?
Was she beaten?
Above all, was it painful—would she have suffered?
At what point did death occur?

And if Cindy had been lying outside for two weeks (as people speculated), what changes would have happened to her body as time went on? I believed that should have given a clue as to whether she was dumped or not! –But nobody seemed to be able to know for certain (or at least divulge before the inquest) whether Cindy’s body had lain outside for two weeks at the abandoned location where she was found. (The not knowing was so frustrating!!)

I had so many questions.

I was hungry for knowledge.

I voraciously read medical texts and took notes on putrefactive changes, and a month after we buried Cindy I wrote the following in my journal:

“I feel much more productive trying to understand what happened when she died.”

And then I continued to read for more answers!

Chances are you’ve probably wondered about the philosophical questions of what happens to you when you actually die. (Does it hurt? Is it easy to accept? Will I fight it? …)

All I know for sure is death is usually the result of a lack of oxygen to the brain…and without oxygen to the neurons there is no electrical activity. And when the brain no longer gets oxygenated blood, it starts to die…giving you about ten seconds before you lose consciousness (a feeling of calmness and tranquility).

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Set aside ten minutes today for this important topic.

Sit quietly in a quiet place.

For the first five minutes, think about what death is, from your own perspective.

Try to go past any platitudes or teachings about death that were given you by someone else.

Consider your own fears, and be as honest as you can about them.

You may think about your own death, or the death of another, past or future.

If it helps, use this formula for acknowledgment:

“I wonder if death might be like … (say what you think) …, and I feel afraid that … (name your fear).”

Think of as many beliefs as you can, but don’t dwell on this part of the exercise for more than five minutes.

For the last five minutes, acknowledge what you DO NOT KNOW.

Remember, trust is the key to healing.

Try to find the clear truth in the following statement, repeated slowly and silently for the remaining time:

“I do not understand life, or my experiences in it, but I can learn to trust again. Life is Love’s process, and I am willing to trust it now.”

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Since love is eternal, death need not be viewed as fearful.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

In her 70’s my mother became ill with what would eventually, after a long decline, be labeled as Alzheimer’s disease. But at the onset it seemed like a combination of expected dementia due to aging, and stress over the death of her daughter, my sister, Cindy.

I remember being extremely upset and talking to a friend about what I perceived to be the tragedy of my mother’s situation, and mine, and my father’s, and my family’s…

My friend listened while I went on about all Mom couldn’t do anymore, and how much she must be suffering, and how terrible it all was, and how Dad was unable to accept her decline, and how I was “losing” my mother….

My friend finally said, in a sharp, clear, firm voice, which I’ll never forget:

“It’s not your death, Melanie.”

It took me aback—as if she suddenly had physically shaken me.

All at once, I felt myself separate from my mother and became peaceful inside.

Just like that. I understood the implication.

And I never lost it.

I then was able to be with my mother through her long dying in ways I chose. We had become separate people.

I learned I could be witness to Mom’s suffering but did not have to make it my own.

And I was able to extend that lesson in support of Dad (who is now dying with cancer) even though I didn’t necessarily agree with the choices he was making in Mom’s care.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

After my sister Cindy died in 1989, I hated myself for not having helped her out more in 1986 before I moved to the Yukon—3 years earlier when Cindy was severely depressed after the house fire, she had tried to starve herself to death and I had been afraid. I hadn’t known what to do. And I felt I should have known what to do. It had seemed nothing was helpful enough.

It wasn’t until a few years after her death that I read about how to get through to a severely depressed person. (And please understand that at the 1990 inquest her doctor said that although he was treating her for depression, he also said, “I saw no evidence for there being any suicidal ideation or planning in 1989.”)

I desperately wanted to have helped Cindy and made a difference in her life but now I realize that she would have had to accept my help and also disclose her needs, which I know she rarely did. And I used to believe I should be able to know what another person was truly feeling and thinking if I was perceptive enough and could see through their pretending. Many times I could see. Sometimes I couldn’t.

And I have learned that life is a two-way street. I was always very vulnerable and took criticism personally and chose to feel hurt. I still believe I have control of my feelings and must take the responsibility for them (and believe others must do the same for themselves) but I am now more aware (through introspection) of why I allow myself to feel a certain way at any given time.

And I always analyzed everything and tried to set goals and tried to be productive. I also took the time to do those leisure activities I enjoyed but there was usually a timetable with it. Finally I learned to really relax and not worry so much. I learned how to have uninhibited fun and give myself permission to laugh. I was often so serious and introspective and then I saw how short life really is and I learned to enjoy my life instead of working so hard at it.

When the pain of Cindy’s death seemed too much to bear, I persisted with working out the hurt, the fear, and the anger…. I had been so afraid to give in to the pain but I learned that I could climb out of those “ditches.” By allowing myself to go into the ditches and flounder around in the mud for a while I learned about myself and grew as a person.

Yes, I have learned a lot and some things within myself have changed. And although I can see changes I still hope to make, at least I am trying and growing.

It takes courage to allow yourself to really see who you are and try to change those things you don’t like.

“And after your death, when most of you for the first time realize what life here is all about, you will begin to see that your life here is almost nothing but the sum total of every choice you have made during every moment of your life.” – Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross –

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

There are 12 principles of attitudinal healing and I’ll be exploring them (and how they can help in grieving) in several Blogs.

Attitudinal healing affirms that we are responsible for our thoughts and whatever feelings we experience.

Attitudinal healing encourages us to reexamine our relationships, bringing them into the present by releasing past judgments and grievances.

Attitudinal healing defines health as “inner peace” and healing as “letting go of fear” (principle #2).

Attitudinal healing does not mean changing others—it means changing our own minds through personal choice and taking responsibility for the way we experience our lives.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Recently when my daughter’s hamster and a schoolmate died, she received condolence cards and hugs and emails…from many people.

Thank you Marsha and family, Dwight, Robin, Zoë, Karlee, Starr, Jen, Hayley, Alexia, Shaelyn, Marlene…
And thank you Chan Do for passing on the notes from Cheng Sun and family, Marc, Jack, Sarlene, Nexus and Whan Woo, Tony, and Sap Nheun.

Here are some of the messages she received…

“…Our deep sorry for the passing. Let her understand Fudge is not gone but is just transformed into a new life, with her. Our family, will this day, plant in honor of Fudge and your friend, a tree that will continue the cycle of life, at a small gathering place, in the center of our township [in a small village outside of Delhi, India]. We shall call the name of this tree Fudge and those who will come to sit under its shade when it has grown, will also come to know Fudge and his love for his special friend…”

“We all are sad to know of Fudge’s passing…also sorry about your school friend who died too.”

“It is really hard when someone you love, passes away…”

“…Our deepest sympathy and love. It does not matter to one so young, as to the reasons of such a passing, but rather that one who gave her love and kindness, such as that from Fudge, is no longer in the present moment, with her. We will join her and Fudge, in special prayer and meditation, on June 9^th, when the venerable monks open the temple to all four legged members, who are brought forward by the members of our Sangha [in Hong Kong], so they can be blessed…our love and compassion…”

“Know our hearts and energy are with [Sca], who has felt sadness at the passing of Fudge. Our family has light an incense at Temple [in Viet Nam] and will do so for the traditional 36 days, so that she and her friend will know peace and contentment and understanding.”

“…I love you a lot [Sca]. All of my love goes to you…”

“He will always be in your hearts…”

“…A big hug and lots of love…”

Thank you everyone for your kind words and acts of compassion!

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” – Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross –

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

A father, Allan Dwayne Schoenborn, identified by the RCMP as the prime suspect in the April 6^th deaths of his three children in Merritt, B.C., was finally captured yesterday (April 16/08). He had been on the run from the police since the children were reportedly stabbed in their mother’s trailer.

Just hours after the arrest, CBC had their report telling us what happened. Apparently an expert tracker with dogs, who got fed up waiting for the police to find the man, took it upon himself to go out into the woods and see if he could find the suspect. The reporter told us how this man was probably the most knowledgeable person on the layout of the land in the entire area. He knew every cave and hiding spot and where the suspect could possibly be getting food. He captured the man who tried to run but the tracking dogs kept the suspect contained until the police arrived 15 minutes later. The tracker, Kim Robinson, said he had offered his services four or five days earlier to help the police find the suspect but his offer had been turned down. (Is this accurate? – A newspaper report quoted the tracker’s son, Paul, as saying police had approached his father to keep an eye out for Schoenborn.)

The paper also quoted the son as saying, “The guy’s arm was messed up because he tried killing himself,” yet police denied that fact.

And Mr. Kim Robinson denied other reports that his dog had nearly torn Mr. Schoenborn’s arm off, and also said reports that he’d tied him to a tree were false.

Now last night at the national press conference, I heard the officer say, “A guy out walking his dog found the suspect.” And that was also printed in one of the papers.

If I hadn’t heard the interview on CBC earlier in the day I would have thought the police had been lucky to find their man because I hadn’t heard mention of an expert tracker.

Also, the newspapers reported the tracker had only used one dog (not “dogs” as was mentioned on CBC).

So, hearing different versions of the same event, I can’t help but wonder if, or how much, misinformation happened around Cindy’s case…and why does it seemingly continue to happen.

One thing I have learned…take what you hear and read and see in the media with a grain of salt!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James