Through my struggle with the loss of my sister, Cindy, I learned so much about myself…

I became more aware of unhealthy, negative thoughts that I disliked within myself.

I used to believe that I was most often right about my viewpoints—now I truly understand that right VS wrong are subjective.

And I used to believe that if I could just say or do something the “right” way to get my message across, the other person would understand my viewpoint and change their thinking to accommodate my feelings. Now I know this can’t always happen because sometimes the other person isn’t ready to “see” my viewpoint.

And I’ve learned to be more understanding and tolerant of other people’s lack of change.

And one of the big changes for me:
Because I was afraid to be vulnerable and show any lack of control, it was scary for me to allow others to help me in any way because I thought that meant I was weak and couldn’t take care of myself. I didn’t like the idea of being vulnerable because I wondered if people would take advantage of me and secretly make fun of me for my weaknesses. But I learned to allow myself to take the risk of disclosing some of my needs. It didn’t mean I was weak—it meant I wanted or needed help outside of myself because I was tired or afraid or wanted somebody to show me they cared about me.

And I always used to secretly think that I was stupid because I wasn’t always perfect. Now I understand that I am good at some things and need to have more education about others.

Yes, I’ve learned so much from Cindy’s death.

“There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.” – Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross –

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

When someone we love dies it is almost like an initiation into insight.
– Levine –

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

You can end up on a downward spiral and blame yourself for what happened, telling yourself you should have known (“Why didn’t I…” “If only…” “I should have…”). You think you let the person down and the guilt rips at you until you think it will destroy you.

So you start to abuse yourself – maybe by overeating or turning to alcohol or drugs, and you become depressed and want to die also – you just don’t care.

So you neglect your family and your job and you stop socializing. (And you hate yourself for what you are doing…but you feel so helpless to change anything!)

When you look in the mirror and see that empty look in your eyes and your mind wanders to suicide because you start to think that’s the only way to stop the pain, you realize you are scared…and you decide to seek out help.

Maybe you start by talking to a trusted friend.

Maybe you see a counselor.

Maybe you talk to a psychiatrist.

Maybe you join a support group.

It doesn’t really matter which route you go because the important thing is that you’ve decided you need to start living again…and you need help before it’s too late.

So you slowly talk about the pain, your failings, and your guilt … (like a flower opening up).

Maybe you go on medication. Maybe you don’t.

As the months and years pass you start to feel a bit better.

And one day it dawns on you that it really wasn’t your fault!

Still, there are days you struggle with your emotions (some days are better than others)—but you know you will be OK!

Yes, you will survive.

Please believe it!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

There are factual errors in the recreation of some scenes in the video clips made about Cindy’s case—in the police report relating to the January 1984 attack when Cindy was stabbed in the hand, the security services provider said he checked her to see if she was alive (but he didn’t notice the ligature around her neck). So why does the Unsolved Mysteries segment show him looking at Cindy’s neck? And why doesn’t it show the fact (according to the police report) that he pulled a can of dog-repellant spray can (mace) out of his pocket when he tells police he found it on Cindy’s back porch (there was no fingerprints found on it) and says, “I guess she tried to use it.”

And the reporter is incorrect when he says there was no sighting of a suspect and no independent corroboration (he makes it sound like nobody ever saw or heard anything).

—What about the brown hair stuck to some blood on Cindy’s right palm that the police seized after the October 15, 1988 attack (and never analyzed)?
—What about the calls that the detective and the security services provider intercepted at Cindy’s home?
—What about the time Agnes said she was with Cindy when the lines were cut.
—How about the friends who were visiting Cindy and heard someone banging the side of the house (Marlene and I were also present on one occasion as was our oldest brother who also saw the shadow of someone by Cindy’s garage in the backyard.)

And just so you know, Cindy did not say to the police that she was out walking her dog late at night at the time of the house fire—it was an officer who speculated that.

And the drug facts were incorrect (we don’t know how much time Cindy would have had to tie herself up while under the influence of all those drugs) although the reporter did use the word “if” (which equals speculation in my books).

(By the way, crystaldawn you were correct—the photo is of one of my brothers.)

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

I had no idea that the original Unsolved Mysteries segment featuring my sister’s mysterious death was different than the one I had seen on the Best of Unsolved Mysteries DVD set. I was really surprised at how much was edited out of that original one!

In fact I was shocked at how upset I became after hearing the 1988 taped police interview with Cindy. In this version she spoke for a much longer amount of time than in any other TV segments and it was so hard hearing the distress in her voice. She was in such a state of anguish. I wanted to crawl through the computer and give her a big hug! –It really sucked that I couldn’t! It’s hard to make out her words but listen to her emotion…

(Listen to Cindy clip below)

“All of a sudden there was somebody behind me, and I don’t know where he came from…I don’t know what I thought I was going to do, but I was trying to push his knife away or something…I don’t think I really remember anything else.”

And right off the bat I noticed differences between this version and the Unsolved Mysteries segment from the boxed set that I have—the NBC version starts with different music, there is a scene about the polygraph (lie detector) test Cindy took, and throughout there are more comments by both my parents, by the reporter who covered the inquest, and more talk of Multiple Personality Disorder with a good rebuttal from Dr. Connolly, the therapist (psychiatric consultant) Cindy saw for three years after the January 1983 assault.

Dr. Connolly says,

(Listen to his clip below)

“There was no indication in all of the time that I saw her…and I saw her not just in conversational states—I saw her in deep hypnotic states as well…there was never any evidence that there were other personalities there. The psychiatrists that were speculating about that were looking for an explanation for things that can’t be explained, and who can argue against Multiple Personality Disorder?”

I didn’t see signs of MPD either.

And I thought it was interesting that Robert Stack says the RCMP turned down a request for an interview with UM.

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In my next Blog I’ll point out some of the factual errors in the video segments.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

All it takes is 15 minutes a day—everyday, for however long is necessary.

And children don’t have to worry about what anyone else thinks—they can write whatever comes to them because they don’t have to share it (until they are ready).

And they can throw spelling and grammar out the window—it’s the emotions that count now.

When children open themselves up and express their pain and grief on paper, they are able to release the emotions that are suffocating and depressing them. They begin to heal wounds. They begin to recover from grief.

Yes, there is a freedom in venting pain (and anger) through writing. (In another Blog I’ll talk about other art forms you can use to assist younger children experiencing grief.)

Today children use computers a lot. But grief writing is most helpful when that technology is shed and a child simply grabs a pencil or pen and writes in longhand . Words flow—it’s the quickest way for them to get their thoughts down on paper (unless they are super fast with typing), plus it mutes the editor in them! And there’s nothing quite like the feel of a writing instrument scratching the paper, or the smell of ink to foster a love of writing. And with the use of crayons or pencil crayons for associated artwork and picture making, your child may wonder why they never did this before.

And if they don’t know what to write, encourage them to write about the good times they had with their pet or loved one who passed away.

Ask them to write about the bad times…about the death…about the funeral.

Suggest they write a letter to their pet/loved one.

Let them know it’s OK to cry while they write…tell them to write through the tears. This is so very healing!

And let them know it helps if they start with, “I feel…” or “I remember…”

And if they want to write for more than 15 minutes, let them.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Fudge
I gently held you in my arms
And wished your pain away.
I wrapped a soft, warm blanket ’round
But knew you couldn’t stay.
My love for you will never die…
Within these tears I pray:
“May you find joy and happiness
And somewhere safe to play.”
I know I never will forget
The joy you brought us all.
Especially the friendship shared,
With Sca—your Mama small.

– Melanie Hack –

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

It’s never easy when a pet dies—they are considered members of the family.

After 31 months of loving him, we knew Fudge was more than just ailing…he stopped using his wheel, he stopped eating and drinking, his skin got so dry that his fur started to lift off his body (all over—even his face), his walking was unsteady, his breathing was labored, and he slept a lot.

But, oh how he loved being cuddled and gently stroked! It seemed he was smiling when he looked at us but we could see his eyes barely opened as he lifted his head and sniffed.

I know you are in heaven, Fudge, and in the arms of another child who is showering you with love.

We will miss your great personality little dude! You were a great pet hammie and friend—especially to Sca who entrusted you with her deepest secrets. (Thank you for licking her tears when she was sad.)

Can you see the light of her candle burning for you?

Can you see, through her tears, the stories she is writing about you?

“I remember when…”

And can you hear her song and see her drawings?

She loved you so!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real. – Author Unknown –

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

When a teacher does something to acknowledge the death of a classmate, the students feel they have permission to do the same.

Children need to express their grief openly—so encourage them in ways that are not disruptive to the class or damaging to other students.

Acknowledge the reality that grief hurts, but do not attempt to rescue the child (or the class, or yourself) from that pain. And although it’s tempting to single out the grieving child for special privileges or compensations, try not to do so—students need to feel a part of their peer group and showing them you have the same expectations for everyone helps them function (just wrap your expectations with kindness and understanding).

Be supportive and available to classmates who may want to know how they can help a friend. Bereaved student’s friends often feel uncomfortable and awkward as they attempt contact. Offer outlets for them to do so (and explore how-to ideas with them).

Almost anything that happens in the classroom can trigger tears so make available a private place where a student can go if s/he needs to be alone.

And make available books and bereavement materials that can help the students and you to explore feelings of loss.

You may also wish to suggest the students write about their thoughts and feelings in story form. (This also works well if a student has lost a pet or family member. When I lost my brother-in-law when I was in grade 7, I wrote about it as a fiction story—what a wonderful release!)

Find ways to remember the classmate who has died. Encourage classroom discussions and expressions of grief—maybe a display of poems, pictures, or drawings (whatever works best for the age of the children).

You could remember a student or a sibling by having the class prepare cards for the family, creating a memory book, planting a remembrance tree, or creating some other type of memorial.

In another Blog I’ll show how nature can help children explore death and allow them to recognize that death is a natural part of life.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James