Today I was watching the TV’s listings channel and looking for the news stations. Suddenly I heard the familiar pan-flute music of the Romanian artist Gheorghe Zamfir.

I was riveted.

It’s been forever since I’ve heard his precious melodies!

Years ago, as I had watched the guests filing out of the chapel and walking past the closed casket on their way out of my sister, Cindy’s, funeral, Zamfir music had been playing. And I had started to cry hard when I heard it.

Cindy had loved that music. So did I. (I still do.)

His music is soothing and gentle. It beautifully portrays the gentleness and love and caring Cindy personified. She and I used to sit in her living room and listen to her Zamfir tapes as we talked or had fun.

So to me Zamfir music will always be Cindy.

Today my scalp was tingling and pleasant shivers were crawling up my arms as I carefully listened to every note of the pan-flute. I didn’t cry this time because I was simply enjoying the memories of our good times together…That is until the music was cut off by a commercial and my reverie abruptly ended!

I think Cindy will be around this Christmas! I can feel her presence!

And you know what…a dear friend from the Yukon (that I haven’t spoken with forever) just called me! And she reminds me so much of Cindy.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the death of Cindy James

Death, dying and grieving are a natural part of life and sometimes our society doesn’t always do a good job of preparing people for facing their own deaths or the loss of loved ones.

But the Lights of Life project (a tree lighting ritual that I participated in while I lived in Canada’s far north—Whitehorse, Yukon) gave people the opportunity to do some healthy grieving—to acknowledge the pain they may have been feeling as Christmas reminded them of the special people they couldn’t be with. It was an opportunity to honor the special people in our lives who had died or who were not with us during Christmas due to illness or distance.

We literally turned on a Christmas bulb (or some people lit a candle), and many of us wrote in a Memory Book (telling our story of loss) and received support from those around us. We also received a special ornament that we took home and hung on our tree.

It was such a beautiful ceremony and an easy way of bringing people together to remember, to support and to celebrate.

Is this ritual happening anywhere else in the world?

What do you do this time of year to honor or remember loved ones who have died.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the death of Cindy James

I have to admit I felt very disturbed after the Pickton verdict came out this week.

I’ve been following that case for some time for two reasons:

1. Because my sister, Cindy James, had once mentioned she came in contact with a prostitute who was afraid for her life—one of Pickton’s targets (?) I’ve wondered.
2. And, because about five months after Cindy’s death (before I had details about what had happened to her) I had asked a private investigator (hired by the BC’s Coroner’s Service to investigate Cindy’s death and prepare material for the inquest) whether Cindy’s death was connected to the disappearances and deaths in the Vancouver area (later investigated as the Pig Farm deaths).

So, in a way, I’ve felt a connection to the Pickton deaths.

Anyway, as much as I was happy for the family members of Pickton’s victims when the verdict was read, I was also struck with anxiety and emotion that I couldn’t put my finger on. That night I broke down in tears and realized that it was that familiar feeling of “unknowing” that was smothering me.

Here I am…someone whose gone through anguish and grief and healing and am helping others through those things as well…and I’ve been hit in the heart once again. Goes to show you that grief reactions can resurface years later and at unexpected times.

At the core of my anguish this time is the thought, “If only my family had been given an answer in 1990 at the end of the inquest instead of the jury deliberating for three hours and then coming back with a verdict of undetermined.” The finding of undetermined meant that, based on the information presented, Cindy died as a result of an unknown event. “My god how was my family supposed to have closure,” I had wondered at the time.

At least the families of six of Pickton’s victims can have closure. I worry about the families of the remaining 20 victims. Will Pickton stand trial for those alleged murders? Or will those family members be left in limbo because society doesn’t want to pay the tab for another trial? I think it’s so important for family members to have an answer—to have closure!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the death of Cindy James

Watching the Vancouver news waiting to hear “Willie” Pickton’s sentencing, I heard the mother of one of his victim’s say, “I keep hearing her screaming and saying Mommy…Mommy…please come and help me.”

Remember, these victims were butchered and fed to the pigs.

And the family members were in court when the evidence was presented.

Over and over this mom replays in her mind the horrific scene that might have played out during her daughter’s last moments on earth—and feels totally helpless to do anything about it!

Tears are welling up in my eyes and my fingers are cold as I recall my own mother telling me those same words had continually haunted her after my sister, Cindy, was found dead.

Please…help me mommy…!

God, this is horrifying to see these mothers live with such torment—wondering what their child suffered before they died.

I am a mother too.

I can’t imagine the anguish they actually feel because if I let my mind wander to thoughts of how I would feel if it happened to my daughter…well…I think I would be taken to the brink of insanity!

“Willie” Pickton sat impassive today as he listened to the victim impact statements. I guess he feels nothing. Well, he’ll have 25 years to think about it because that’s how long he’ll be rotting away in prison before he is eligible for parole. In Canada we don’t give out consecutive sentences for multiple murder convictions—so he got the maximum penalty.

Now it doesn’t matter that he was convicted of second-degree murder instead of first-degree!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Although Cindy was neither a prostitute nor killed in the same manner, in both the “Willie” Pickton case and in Cindy’s case society failed the victims through a lack of proper support over a span of years. In the Pickton case, a long list of women disappeared from the streets of East Vancouver over a span of 20 years before much attention was brought to their plight. And in my sister’s case, Cindy endured seven years of torment and ineffective help prior to her death.

During court proceedings in 2007, the Pickton jury was told by a police officer that a key piece of evidence had been “extensively handled” by police without gloves, contaminating the exhibit. And out of all the exhibits collected, many were not sent to the lab while others were destroyed or returned to the owner. Yes, even in this case, as with Cindy, mistakes were made.

Perhaps the path of Cindy’s story and that of the Pickton story intersect. I am haunted by the memory of Cindy recounting a time in the late 1980’s when she administered nursing care to a prostitute voicing fear for her life. The only detail Cindy received (and recounted to me) was that someone was trying to kill the hooker who managed to escape.

Cindy identified with fear and understood how difficult sharing information was—especially when a case appeared as low priority to police. Cindy wrote:

I had to wall the feelings off or I wouldn’t have survived. I also understand why they find it so hard to talk about. You feel like no one will really understand but also you’re afraid of being overwhelmed by your own feelings to the point of where you feel trapped forever in the horror of it.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

On Tuesday a sentencing hearing will begin for Robert “Willie” Pickton, the man who was recently convicted of second-degree murder of the six women whose butchered remains were found on his pig farm. That verdict will certainly help the family move forward as they continue to grieve. And so will the victim impact statements they give.

A sister to one of Pickton’s victims said Pickton still has a lot to answer for. She said she would be in court on Tuesday to give her VI statement. “I think he deserves to hear all our pain,” she said. “Even if he doesn’t feel anything, at least we’ve got our pain out and it’s our way of beginning to heal. We’ve got to do this.”

Sometimes when you grieve you just need to see things through, and tolerate the slow grind of justice.

For this sister, no Christmas or birthday will ever be the same again—Life will never be the same. A sister will be missed forever.

Grieving for a murdered person may be a very difficult process. Often surviving family members and friends are tormented by thoughts of their loved one’s last minutes on earth, “How much did my loved one suffer?” (I know I went through those tortuous thoughts and I didn’t even know whether my sister had been murdered or had committed suicide.)

To those people I say, “Be patient, as it will take some time. Be aware you may feel anger at the murderer (and at a lot of people, even at yourself)—it’s OK to express it. Call someone if you need to talk.

Don’t be afraid to cry.

Give yourself time—you will never be the same again but you will go beyond just surviving!

In my personal journey, I have come to know others who have lost loved ones to murder. Over time, I have realized that those who work through the grief and move beyond the negative emotions are the ones who receive true relief from their pain and suffering.

It’s definitely not easy but you can do it! Just take one day at a time.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

I feel an enormous sense of relief to know the verdict is finally in after 110 days of testimony (ten months) and almost ten days of deliberation. Here it is:

Just before noon today, Robert “Willie” Pickton, charged with 26 counts of first-degree murder, was found guilty of 6 counts of second-degree murder. (A second trial covering his involvement in the other 20 deaths is supposed to start next year.)

I was shocked that Pickton wasn’t found guilty of first-degree murder—so I guess I’m unhappy with the verdict—but at the same time I’m not surprised. The defense had raised enough doubt about the quality of the evidence that the jury was unable to find a conviction of first-degree murder—there was enough doubt in their minds about other people possibly being involved in the murders.

So, I have to wonder about the evidence that was excluded—“What the jury didn’t hear.” Just as in my sister’s case (Cindy James), there was evidence that was not heard by the jury. (Cindy’s case was examined at an inquest whereas Pickton actually went to trial.) I know this because I found evidence many years later that I’ve since wondered if it might have changed the outcome at the 1990 inquest into Cindy’s death if the jury had heard it!

I suspect Pickton will be “going away” for a very long time (whether we hear victim impact statements or not)—six consecutive life sentences I presume. (I’ll keep you posted!) After all, it’s still murder. He killed those women.

But shouldn’t there be a public inquiry into why he couldn’t be caught sooner?

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

Would you help someone end their life (if you believed they were of sound mind) if they were in extreme pain (whether mentally because of intolerable harassment, or physically)?

Is it possible to set aside any religious doctrine (the belief that only God should determine the time for death) to debate this issue?

Did you know that if someone in Canada performs assisted suicide, they could be jailed for up to 14 years?

Does banning assisted suicide curb the rights of personal liberty?

Assisted suicide is legal in the Netherlands, Belgium and Switzerland (and Oregon).

By the way, Dr. Kevorkian (an American) was released from jail in June of 2007 and has no regrets for what he’s done. (He was jailed in 1999, on a second-degree murder conviction, for helping a terminally ill patient to die using his suicide machine.)

And what about the case of Canada’s Robert Latimer who was charged with second-degree murder for gassing to death his disabled quadriplegic daughter in 1993. (Tracy, a twelve-year-old who functioned at the level of a three-month old, had worsening cerebral palsy and Robert said he was trying to spare her years of torture.) He maintains he killed his daughter out of compassion (that “it was the right thing to do” and refuses to acknowledge his actions were a crime and says he doesn’t feel guilty for what he did). Yesterday Latimer, serving a life sentence (and eligible for full parole in 2010), was denied day parole that would have allowed him to be released to a halfway house. The parole board members said Latimer had not gained sufficient insight and understanding of his actions, and recommended that he get counseling. What do you think?

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

I wish my child hadn’t died—I wish I had her back!

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me—I need you now more than ever!

I know that you think of me and pray for me and that my child’s death pains you too—I wish you would let me know through a phone call, a card, a note, or a really big hug!

I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about her it isn’t because you have hurt me—her death is the cause of my tears!

I am working very hard in my recovery but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover—I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that she is dead!

I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months—it may take me a long time so don’t frustrate yourself!

I wish you wouldn’t expect me to “not think about it” or “to be happy”—I must hurt before I can heal!

I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable—I wish you could be patient with me (as I am with you) and know that my world has been shattered!

I wish you knew that all the grief reactions I’m having are normal (depression, anger, sadness, hopelessness)—so excuse me when I’m withdrawn and quiet or cranky and irritable!

I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone if I walk away—it isn’t that I’m intending to be rude…I just need to slow down when the world around me seems to be going too fast for me!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James

To most of us it is incomprehensible that our children will die before we do—no matter what age they die (although the impact will be different)!

(It is the order of nature to expect elderly people to die first. The death of a younger person disrupts this order.)

If your friend is a parent who has lost a child (and it doesn’t matter how old the child was), don’t be afraid to talk with them and listen patiently—again and again. (They need more than anything to talk about the child, tell stories about the child’s life and to mourn all the events that will never happen.)

At some point you will need to reflect the feelings of unfairness back to the grieving parent.

Use the child’s name when you ask gentle questions about the illness, death (whether accident/suicide/murder/natural disaster or other) and funeral.

Stay calm and centered as you encourage the grieving parent to concentrate on the thoughts and feelings that come up. Don’t judge. Avoid clichés.

If intense emotional reactions come up (whether shame, guilt, disbelief or something else), be reassuring and accepting.

There are no answers to the why’s, if only’s, what’s and what ifs:

• Why did s/he have to die?
• Why did s/he have to be sick?
• Why so young?
• Why now?
• Why didn’t I try to stop him/her?
• Why couldn’t I have prevented it?
• Why didn’t s/he leave me a note?
• What did I do wrong? (Self-blame)
• Why couldn’t it have been me? I’m old and ready to go.
• If only I had tried to stop him/her.
• What if I had…?
• What if I never…?

Again, there are no answers.

Don’t be surprised if ambivalence toward surviving children is expressed—it’s perfectly normal but very hard for parents to express, accept and work through.

And grieving parents can also feel anger, or a sense of relief that the person is no longer suffering from a mental or physical illness (and have a hard time expressing that because of guilt).

Encourage the grieving person to keep a journal of her/his grief work (and to light memorial candles and plant memorial trees) or to join a support group or to seek professional support if it’s needed.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
The unsolved mystery of the death of Cindy James