Letting go is a powerful expression of love. Remember the poem:

“If you love something let it go,
If it comes back to you it’s yours,
If it doesn’t, it never was.”

“But letting go is so painful,” you think to yourself. (Sometimes you may feel that the holding on is all that’s keeping you going…so you “hold on” like a pit bull.)

Please know that saying goodbye (and letting go) doesn’t happen all at once. It’s a process. You can repeat it whenever you need to, and in different forms (you may need to say goodbye to many things: hopes, dreams, wishes…). The repetition helps you feel secure in letting go. I said goodbye to my sister, Cynthia (Hack), many times…

There were times when I fought the process…

—When I viewed her body (knowing I would never see it again) and the shock of her death was still consuming me—I was numb as I said goodbye to her in my mind…but I didn’t mean it!

—When we “celebrated” Cindy’s birthday at the funeral home (four days after her body was found). She was in the closed coffin and I “talked” to her and said goodbye…but I didn’t mean it.

After her funeral when the family was left with the coffin I said goodbye (knowing she would be cremated right after)…I started to believe it…and I meant it…sort of.

At her interment when I gently allowed the fine white sand to sift through my fingers and land on the urn down in the hole, I said goodbye…but I was crying, “No. No. No.” in my head.

And then there were times when I “talked to her” or “wrote to her” long after her ashes were buried and I was home. I said goodbye…and “told” her a lot of things.

When I gave away her clothes (at first one item at a time, then several the next time)…

Give yourself permission to say goodbye. (It doesn’t mean you are turning your back on the love and caring you felt and shared.)

In my next Blog I’ll share some helpful ideas on how you can say goodbye, and, in doing so, how you can have your loved one “come back” to you.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she’d want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

– David Harkins –

(From Cumbria, UK; written in1981)

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

My mother has Alzheimer’s disease, as did/does most of her 13 siblings.

Over the years I’ve watched Mom “leave” me. (If you’ve ever had that experience in your own family, well, you know how tough that is.)

At night I’ve laid in bed thinking about Mom—Confused, sometimes in pain (she recently had hip replacement surgery because she fell and broke a bone), closed off from life, unable to freely get around or do much of anything…so dependent on others.

I wish she knew how much I actually think about her and love her!

When I watch the video that’s on my website and see her, I’m amazed at how the years have changed her.

I see now that she’s almost gone. Of all the family members, I was one of two members that she used to recognize by name for the longest time. Now I’m not sure she really remembers who I am—she seems to only know that I’m someone nice to her.

Before she “left” I told her all the time that I loved her and that she was special to me. And I thanked her for all the things she did for me and all the fun activities we shared over the years.

I know she doesn’t remember any of that now.

I have to sometimes wonder what is going to happen to me…will I one day become a shell as she is? What about my older siblings? (I already see the traces of Alzheimer’s disease in some older cousins!) And I wonder about friends who have the disease in their families. So many people are, and will be, touched by this disease. That’s why my husband (Wayne Kelly) and I picked the Alzheimer’s Society as the charity of choice for a project we recently released. We want to give a million dollars to that charity this year.

If you are interested in learning more about our project and how you can help us reach our million-dollar goal, (Or maybe you just want to meet my family) go to: 52 Motivational Interviews.

Mom…thanks for the beautiful smiles this weekend and the way your eyes lit up at times. I love you.

And a heartfelt thanks to everyone who assists in her care…you are angels on earth! May you find strength for the challenges!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

It’s a lot easier to have your loss validated when someone actually dies—but what if you’ve lost something that appears “hidden” (it can be an invalidated death) or something that is perhaps socially unacceptable or tangential (maybe you are experiencing something not listed here):

• A mastectomy
• An amputation
• A grafting
• An abortion
• An ectopic pregnancy
• A miscarriage
• A stillbirth
• A chronic illness
• A disability
• Forced retirement
• Graduation from school
• Getting fired
• A divorce or relationship breakup
• Death of a pet
• Loss of friends
• Loss of lifestyle after addiction treatment
• A move
• Loss of a dream/hope/freedom…
• Loss of role/status/position…

If you’re having trouble getting in touch with your grief you could take the time to record, or name, your loss. (In fact, acknowledge small losses as you experience them in daily life so that they do not accumulate.)

Acknowledge the loss to yourself (it can remain private if you wish).

Embrace the freeing experience of feeling your emotions (the pain of the loss)—it’s easier than carrying the pain any longer.

In my next Blog I’ll talk about a “hidden” loss that’s touched my life and what I did about it…

Melanie Hack

Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend

Read an excerpt now

TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Many of you have written to me asking for tips and thoughts on topics related to grief and loss and death:

Emotions (Anger—I recently talked a bit about that; Guilt; Depression…)
Dealing with angry feelings towards a murderer
Teen suicide
Grieving something “hidden,” or tangential (miscarriage, disability, relationship breakup, getting fired…)
How to say goodbye
Confronting the pain
Expressing grief
Children and funerals
Related sleeping and eating problems
Delayed grief
Spiritual experiences
Does “death” exist? And, What is it to die?
And so much more!

I will try to talk about all of those in my upcoming Blogs. I’m currently writing two more books, “My Grief Journey,” and “My Grief Workbook” for those of you who’ve asked for extensive assistance beyond our emails. I’ll let you know when the books are available. Thanks for your patience and continuing interest.

This month I’ve focused on the theories and thoughts specifically related to Cindy’s death, for those of you expressing such keen interest and asking so many questions! In case you missed my answer to, “What do you think happened to your sister?” you can go to my Jan 3^rd posting and click on “comments” at the bottom.

Peace and Healing.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the death of Cindy James

The Chinese characters that make up the verb “to listen” include an ear, one heart, eyes and undivided attention. So, in order to effectively listen for a message from someone (not just hear words), and understand them, you need to use all those body parts!

• You need to listen by “putting yourself in their shoes” without thinking about your own personal thoughts and agenda—this means no prejudging or pre-evaluating or preconceived notions (set those aside for now).
• Follow your heart and your intuition. Not only can you listen with compassion to someone talk about a tragedy and pain, but also you can listen for their inner strengths and capabilities. Use loving sensitivity and tact. Remind them of their positive attributes—how courageous and capable they are—if it is appropriate (if they seem receptive). Support them.
• Use eye contact. Look for the feelings and intent behind their words—the unspoken fears, concerns and moods. Try to pick up on clues and subtle hints.
• Use listening body language—face and lean towards the person and nod your head when it’s appropriate. Avoid crossing your arms. And don’t look around the room at other people or things going on. Also, don’t pretend to be paying respectful attention!

When someone is angry, hurt, or expressing difficult feelings, it helps for you to reflect back what you’re hearing—to verify your understanding by restating or paraphrasing. You’ll be helping the person see any flaws in their reasoning (especially if you don’t criticize). Sometimes a person just needs to be heard and acknowledged.

Don’t worry if you’re confused (and know you don’t understand)—gently tell the person you don’t understand and ask them to state it another way, or use your best guess. If you’re off the mark the person will realize it and will probably attempt to correct your misunderstanding.

Probe for additional information with open-ended questions (not questions that need a “yes” or “no” response). Ask non-threatening questions: “Can you tell me more?” “How did that make you feel?”

And don’t agree or disagree (respect their point of view—if you look hard enough you can usually find hidden seeds of merit to focus on). Your viewpoint may be different and you may not necessarily agree with the person, but as you listen, you understand from the other’s perspective. And don’t think you have to come up with a solution (you want to promote and support their attempt to work out their own solution, not advise them). Sometimes people ask questions when they really want to express themselves, and are not really open to hearing an answer.
And remember, sharing briefly from your own experiences (when appropriate) can often help the person “go deeper.”

And be sure to express appreciation for their sharing!

Listening well means we understand what the person is feeling (and thinking) from the other person’s own perspective! –Seeing through the person’s eyes, listening through the person’s ears, connecting with the person’s heart and really being present.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James

Were you taught that it’s not “nice” to be angry? Anger can be a difficult emotion to express—it’s powerful, it’s menacing and it’s frightening—and when you’re grieving, it can be an especially difficult emotion to manage.

Anger is a normal and healthy response to loss. But it can easily be pushed “underground” if we are not allowed to deal with it. That makes it easy to save it up (and perhaps store it in our body in some form of illness)…and then explode and overreact to a situation.

I recently saw someone do just that. Although his anger was misdirected and seemed irrational, I knew it was born out of fear (and guilt). (There are many emotions “under” anger; emotions that we choose to avoid in favor of anger.) He felt helpless. He believed the medical system was giving poor care and was acting with indifference. And he was furious! He threw insults and sarcasm and made threats, and wouldn’t listen to anybody. Everyone around him was tense and wanted nothing to do with him. They told him to leave if he wanted to. They’d had enough. I’m sure he would have started hitting and punching or pounding anyone or anything that got in his way, if he had been strong enough.

What he needed was to talk about his anger with someone…and he did—with someone who didn’t judge him or his feelings. With someone who listened and reflected back to him what was being heard. With someone who really seemed to care.

Finally, he started to believe he DID matter—that he had choices and some control. But he was exhausted. So he rested, believing he still had hope.

Most grieving people feel some anger. And although anger doesn’t have to be logical or valid, you need to believe you have control of it. And you need to allow yourself to use the power of it in a positive direction.

Before you build up to an explosive reaction, I have some beautiful strategies that I’ve used (yes, I’ve used all of them at one time or another) that enabled me to release anger and tension before it got out of control.

Try journaling your anger (without censoring). Ask yourself:
What am I feeling?
Why?
From Whom?
What am I angry at/about?

Once you identify and acknowledge that you are angry, you can talk to someone about it. You can also pretend you are with the person you are angry at and tell them just how angry you are.

Or you can try writing a letter to the person you are angry with. Then read it out loud to yourself before you either tear it up, burn it, or mail it.

Scream if you need to—Find a solitary place and let it out. Try rolling up the windows in your car. (Who’s going to hear you?) Or scream into a towel.

Or, if you’re more physical, punch a punching bag or “work out” like crazy. (Use any kind of exercise that gets the intensity out.)

Whatever method you use to express and deal with your anger, try imagining yourself dealing with the situation in the way that satisfies you.

Remember, in grief, anger often emerges after the shock and denial has passed. So that means: you are progressing. The anger will subside. And when it recurs, you’ll have some great strategies!

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the death of Cindy James

OK, let’s turn our attention away from Cindy’s tragedy (I’ll come back to it) and focus on coping with illness and the accompanying loss.

As a serious illness follows its course, there are many changes that occur. The result? –The patient and the family are continually dealing with losses…

…Of life as they knew it

…Of past abilities

…Of hopes, and plans, for the future

…Of current lifestyle

…Of control…

And these losses, plus the reactions of grief that go with them, can create more uncertainty and a tremendous amount of stress for everyone. (For family members, caregivers, as well as patients, intense and overwhelming feelings may be generated as they try to cope with so much uncertainty.)

There is denial of the reality. (Some denial is healthy and necessary in order to function.)

There is shock and numbness that accompanies any change in condition.

There can be a helpless and hopeless feeling as care needs increase.

There is a yearning for things to be the way they were.

There is anxiety and fear…the fear that there isn’t much they can do to prevent what’s coming (and anxiety that it’s happening too fast), and for caregivers and family members a heightened awareness of their own mortality.

There is increasing loneliness as roles change.

There is an edginess and irritability in relationships with people.

And there is fatigue and sadness and depression, and more.

Guilt often nags at the caregivers: “What did I forget? “Am I doing what’s best?” “I must not slow down.”

And anger, born out of frustration with the situation, can be frightening as family members and patients lash out at anything and anyone—oftentimes at the medical system and healthcare workers.

I’ll talk about anger and what you can do to help, in another Blog.

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the death of Cindy James

OK, for the sake of debate, let’s assume for a minute that my sister, Cindy, committed suicide with assistance—one of several theories about her death.

(That’s illegal in Canada, by the way, but suicide isn’t—suicide and attempted suicide were decriminalized in 1972. But in the USA, only Oregon allows physician-assisted suicide.)

So, following the assisted suicide theory, maybe Cindy needed help planning her death so that it would look like murder. (Perhaps because she didn’t want to shame her family or herself. Or maybe there would have been another reason? …)

My thought is that if she did this she must have been so tired of her harassment that she decided she would rather be dead than have to endure any more terror (and maybe wanted to control the circumstances and timing of her own death).

So does that mean she was in her “right” mind (or would she be termed mentally ill when having thoughts of suicide)?

Would she have been capable of making such a decision (and what if her harassment had driven her to mental illness—assuming she wasn’t mentally ill already and then harassed herself)?

Or could she have been vulnerable enough to be coerced into (assisted) suicide (non-voluntary?)? And whom do you think would have helped her?

What if her death was an accidental suicide? —Yet another theory about her death! (Let’s explore that theory in another Blog.)

Did she own her life?

Do you own yours?

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the death of Cindy James

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk being called sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self.

To place your ideas and dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naïve.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.

To hope is to risk despair.

To try is to risk failure.

But risk must be taken, because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing; the people who risk nothing—do nothing; have nothing; are nothing; and become nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they simply cannot learn to feel, and change, and grow, and love, and live—chained by their servitude, they are slaves; they’ve forfeited their freedom.

Only the people who risk are truly free.

– Author unknown –

Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the death of Cindy James