“I submit to you that if a man hasn’t discovered something he will die for, he isn’t fit to live.”
~Martin Luther King
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
In a previous Blog post I talked about a safe way of expressing anger through the use of a ‘vesuvius’.
A ‘vesuvius’ is not for everyone. —Before doing a ‘vesuvius’ you must make sure you are not a rageaholic (you don’t want to express your anger and be more angry).
In every instance that my clients did the ‘vesuvius’ ritual they found it to be exhausting and therapeutic.
When doing the ritual, we set a boundary of pillows (and some people used additional pillows inside the circle for gestalt work). During a vesuvius the person could not go outside the boundary. Some people brought air-filled punching bags to hit, or towels to wring and scream into.
We identified what the intention was.
And I established a time-out signal for my clients for when they felt on the verge of getting out-of-control.
We kept time.
We had an agreement to clean up afterwards.
And I insisted on eye contact (and reminded them of that throughout their eruption).
“I” statements had to be used throughout (“I feel…” “I wish…” “I dislike/hate…” “I think…” “I want…” “I see…” “I hear…” “I believe…” “I imagine…” “I plan to…” “I will…”)
And the person had to remember to breathe.
While expressing with the ‘vesuvius’, they used their full energy AND full sound (that’s why they were exhausted afterwards).
And of course this was done in a place where there was no chance of interruption and no chance of bothering anyone else.
Yes, the ‘vesusius’ works!
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Some people get so angry at the injustice of a death that they wish to destroy the perpetrator if only they could get their hands on them! Believe it or not, that is a normal reaction; it’s what you do with your anger that matters.
But anger, a form of energy, can be transformed into something strong and positive.
At a PD (personal and professional development) seminar I attended on beautiful Gabriola Island, B.C. Canada, I learned something called a vesuvius. –A safe way to express anger…with boundaries. It worked so well for me in releasing the anger I had bottled up inside that I adopted that eruption ritual and used it in some of the one-on-one sessions I had with my Hospice clients. And I taught it to Hospice volunteers so they could share it with other people too.
I created a safe environment where we would not be interrupted and established that there would be no damage to property. We also agreed upon a set amount of time for the ritual to take place plus time afterwards for “coming down” and discussion.
And very important…the person doing the vesuvious had to discuss with a family member what was taking place so that when it was time for the person to head home after the ritual, s/he would not alone—they would be with someone for additional support if needed. And they would have time to devote to themselves—perhaps having a candlelight bath…(can you think of other ways you might pamper yourself?)
In an upcoming Blog post I’ll talk more about the ‘vesuvius’.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
During the process of grief, you are bombarded with many stressful situations, feelings and thoughts that continually test your inner strength. You may deal with one matter only to find yourself facing another.
Thus, anger can compound as well as seem to spring up anew.
It can be frightening.
You may be surprised at its strength and alarmed at the things you do because of it.
It can be intense.
You may feel irritable at times and frustrated especially if you aren’t given the answers you need:
…How did your loved one die?
…Was there pain?
…What happened to the body?
There are so many questions unique to each situation.
With Cindy’s sudden death, I found that not having answers and information was extremely frustrating and generated of a lot of anger for me. I had a strong need for information. I had to learn to be able to allow myself to have the grief process but not necessarily the answers for the moment.
Easier said than done at times!
It was so frustrating.
Some days it was easier for me to intellectualize and get wrapped up in the brain work and I needed gentle nudging to remind me to feel the grief.
Above all I just wanted to know what happened. Did Cindy commit suicide as some people insinuated, or was she murdered and by whom? Why?
I felt like I would forever be in limbo and unable to move on with my life unless I just had an answer. I wondered if any other families had faced this same dilemma.
But it’s been a long road since then…it was back in 1989 that Cindy died. Wow…such a long time ago. And so much has changed in my life.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
To see the world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wildflower,
To hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.
We are led to believe a lie!
When we see with…not through the eye.
Which was born in a night…
To perish in a night…
When the soul slept in beams of light.
~William Blake (1757-1827), English philosopher and poet (from “Auguries of Innocence”)
To see a World in a grain of sand,
And a Heaven in a wild flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,
And Eternity in an hour.…
The bat that flits at close of eve 5
Has left the brain that won’t believe.
The owl that calls upon the night
Speaks the unbeliever’s fright.…
Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine; 10
Under every grief and pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.…
Every tear from every eye
Becomes a babe in Eternity.…
The bleat, the bark, bellow, and roar 15
Are waves that beat on Heaven’s shore…
He who doubts from what he sees
Will ne’er believe, do what you please.
If the Sun and Moon should doubt,
They’d immediately go out.… 20
God appears, and God is Light,
To those poor souls who dwell in Night;
But does a Human Form display
To those who dwell in realms of Day.
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
“Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that’s what makes you strong.”
~Sarah Dessen
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Everyone who achieves success in a great venture, solves each problem as they came to it. They helped themselves. And they were helped through powers known and unknown to them at the time they set out on their voyage. They keep going regardless of the obstacles they meet.
~W. Clement Stone (1902-2002)
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
“Again and again I therefore admonish my students in Europe and America: Don’t aim at success – the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long-run – in the long-run, I say! – success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think about it.”
~Victor Frankl
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
New Year’s Eve is a chance to review your year and see where you can make improvements in the quality of your life and in your relationships…on a daily basis. Here are some ideas:
Spend more time with family
Fit in fitness (find a sport or activity you like)
Enjoy life more
Get out of debt
Help others
Learn something new
Get organized
Think of what you would have in your ideal life and where you’d like to be in two, five, or even ten years, and see if your goals bring you closer to that picture. If so, they’re good goals to stick with. If you can keep in your mind the image of where you would ultimately like your goals to take you, it’s easier to stick with them.
Think about what you would like to add to your life…not what you want to take away. (You may subconsciously feel more deprived if you think of taking something away rather than adding something good.)
Hmmmm…what’s my New Year’s resolution? –Oh, I know…
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James
Yup…it’s that time of year when we start reviewing the past, examining our stressors, looking forward…and thinking about lifestyle changes we want to make.
We all know stressful situations are a part of life.
But HOW you choose to respond to those stress factors is what determines the quality of your life experience, your level of happiness, your success, your prosperity and even your health.
Stress is around us everyday…and often we don’t address it.
Managing stress is all about taking charge…of your thoughts, of your emotions, of your schedule, of your environment and the way you deal with problems.
The ultimate goal is to achieve a balanced life between work, relationships, relaxation, and fun – plus the resilience to hold up under pressure and meet challenges head on.
For a start, try making time for yourself (everyday do a little something you enjoy).
And learn to say, “No.”
Now, have you thought about whether you’ll be making a New Year’s resolution? In an upcoming Blog post I’ll list some ideas for resolutions…
Melanie Hack
Author of Who Killed My Sister, My Friend
Read an excerpt now
TV Shows and Clips about the Death of Cindy James